The drive home was a long one. My mind was in turmoil. I wasn't certain whether I should die of embarrassment or actually allow myself to believe in the dream that Duo had handed me. I wanted to believe, instead, being naturally cautious and pessimistic, that he had been joking. Maxwell's sense of humor could sometimes cut deep, but that was out ignorance of my inner demons. It did seem more likely that he had simply been trying to loosen up my apparent discomfort, rather than suggesting a 'threesome' with our mutual partner, Heero Yuy.
I knocked my head against the steering wheel, once, and let out a long breath. I wasn't sure if it was disappointment or relief that I was experiencing. Both of them were painful.Not that I would have entertained the idea of a harem. Choosing one of my most admired men, for a relationship, would have been difficult, enough, but to reveal unbridled greed and wantonness, would have shamed us all.
Revealed. I repeated the word to myself with disgust. I couldn't hide from myself how my heart, and my libido, had leapt in want and need, in the nano second before common sense had kicked it thoroughly 'in the nads' as Duo liked to say, sometimes. Not having to choose, having it all, having what I most wanted in life was greed that I had been taught, strictly, to avoid if one cared about my honor and the honor of my ancestors.
Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell were in a committed relationship. They had met their soul mate. They were going to have a long, happy life together. Duo Maxwell had not implied that it lacked a third person to make that life complete. That very idea was utterly ridiculous.
I had been boorish. I had been strange. I had left, surely, with Maxwell thinking that I had lost my mind. I wondered what he had told Heero, if it would simply be a 'Fei didn't get my joke.', or a more serious, 'Fei is nuts, maybe we shouldn't operate on missions, together, any longer?'
The last made me cold. It was hard to consider that I had damaged more than a get together with fellow agents. I was able to separate personal life from work life easily, but what if they couldn't find that same mental discipline? I imagined them telling Une of my odd behavior. I imagined them requesting not to work with me, again. I imaged notes deposited into my permanent file and Une scheduling me a meeting with the staff psychologist.
My cell was out as I pulled into my driveway and parked. in the dark of street lights I punched in Duo and Heero's number, and waited, face flaming and heart constricted.
"Maxwell-Yuy," Duo's voice answered. "Which one do you want?"
"Duo?" I had to lick dry lips. I felt foolish and at a loss for words.
Duo was quick to relieve me of the burden. "Fei? Look, man, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to upset you."
"Is that Chang?" Heero's voice asked anxiously.
"Yeah," Duo replied, but then, to me, "Just forget whatever I said. I won't go there again, okay?" his voice was more serious than I had ever heard it as he added, "Fuck me if I've screwed up what we all have together. I have a big mouth, okay? Chalk it up to 'Maxwell is a complete idiot' all right?"
The phone rattled and then Heero was on the line and I had sunk deep in my seat, shaking hand over my heated face and eyes closed tightly, as his voice said, "Duo doesn't have any damned patience, Wu Fei. I'm sorry if he upset you. When he told me what he had said to you...We're both sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this tonight."
I needed to say something. I couldn't find the words.
Heero sounded as shaky as I felt as he begged, "Don't end our partnership, over this, Fei, please. It's too important to all of us. I don't know what I would do if... I... please, say something?"
I still couldn't. My mouth opened and then closed, struggling with his real fear of losing 'us', when I had thought that I was the only one who needed that partnership, that closeness.
"Fuck this!" Duo shouted and grabbed the phone back. "I won't let you do this, Chang! I won't let you stick your head back in your damned shell and tell us to fuck off! We love you, goddamnit! You got that? We both have for forever, but we've kept it locked up, because we knew you weren't ready to hear it. Well, now you are! I know you are! Don't fucking pretend you don't care, and that what you feel doesn't matter. I know it's shocking the hell out of you, and you probably think we're fucking perverts, but we... we just can't live without you any more, man,. We can't just stand the hell by and watch you shrivel up and blow away alone. We both decided on this. We both want you, with us. I'm not going to fucking take no for an answer, either, especially now that I know, know for a fact, Wu Fei, that you feel the same way about us!"
Duo was breathing harshly and sounded as if he had struggled with Heero over the phone the entire time.
I took a deep breath and popped the car into reverse. "Don't curse," I said, firmly.
Duo choked and then laughed, almost wildly, as if he were crying. "Sorry."
"I'm coming back... to talk," I told him.
"He's coming back here!" Duo said excitedly to Heero. "I didn't screw up!"
I could Heero's exclamation of relief.
"We will... talk," I told him and marveled as a sudden calm came over me. It felt as if my life had shifted with the gears of my car and I found peace with that sudden shift. Going against the stream and then suddenly stopping the fight and going with it. Weathering the storm and then suddenly having the winds cease from buffeting you. All were apt descriptions of my souls' relief, it's utter calmness and contentment with my choice.
Duo sounded suddenly uncertain. "You're not coming back to... uh, hurt me, or anything, right?"
He couldn't believe my change, either, and I found a laugh for him, soft and free of pain. "No, I won't hurt you."
Duo laughed a well. "Good. Talk is good.We're talking, Heero," he said aside to the man and I heard Heero reply, "At last." as if he had been given a great gift. I could only hope that it would be.
-------------------------
It wasn't easy, to accept that I was wanted by two men, that I respected, and admired so much. I felt inadequate, bound by honor, and balanced on the edge of what was morally acceptable. It made me stiff and unable to say much, when I was finally seated on their couch, with both of them sitting, facing me.
"I know that you think that this is wrong," Heero said, carefully. "I did, as well, until I began thinking about how well we work together."
Duo was eager, but embarrassed at the same time, as he jumped in and tried to make me understand what they barely understood themselves. "We've always been a team, like a well oiled machine. Apart, we can't seem to operate. Together, we're like...well, like I said... a well oiled machine. We're happy. We're whole. We... well... we love each other, don't we? Isn't that what it's about? Isn't that what we're feeling on missions?"
When we were on missions, I did feel whole. I did feel an intense bond with my teammates. It didn't extend to anyone else, though, just Heero and Duo. It was almost as if everyone else ceased to exist when we went into action. We thought and acted as one, without having to speak, most of the time. Was that love? I knew, in my case, that it was, that it was bone deep, and almost crippling. It was hard, though, to think that these two men felt the same way.
"We don't lack in our relationship," Heero interjected. "We've been perfectly content. Please, don't think that this is some sort of act of desperation. We've talked about how much we care about you. We didn't know, for some time, that we both shared the wish that you could join us, that we could be that wonderful combination, on and off the field of battle."
Duo scowled. "That's about as romantic as a heart attack, Heero!" he protested. "What he's trying to say, Fei, is that we didn't dare share how we really felt, because we were both afraid of hurting, the other one. So, we spent a lot of time, being stupid, and miserable, watching you trying to live your life alone. When we finally admitted our feelings, and found out that, we were both feeling the same way... well, how could we not try and make this right? You belong with us. I know you feel it, too. I'm not sure you can accept it, being who you are, but, if you can, if you can come and be apart of our relationship, I know that you won't ever regret it."
I saw them both full of sincerely, full of hope. I also saw the fear, nibbling at the edges, the tightness of their bodies that told me that they were ready for rejection, and perhaps insults to go along with it. That was the Wu Fei Chang that they knew, after all. I had shown them that face enough times, to make them believe in it.
I didn't see shame in what they wanted, and I should have. I should have been contemplating what the world would think, if they should discover such a relationship, and I didn't care. I should have worried about the good opinion of my ancestors, and never gave them a thought. I was only worried, that I would hurt the two people closest to me, the two people that I did want to be with, that I did love with all of my poor, scarred heart.
I leaned forward and captured Duo's lips with my own. It was hard, needy, pent up passions, being set free all at once, and his eyes went wide in surprise. As my hand sought Heero, pulling him closer, I thought, only, 'It's just as I imagined.' There wasn't any woman softness in Duo. He was hard coiled springs and his lips were bruisingly flat. When he opened his mouth, though, and let me in, I found softness enough as I tasted him fully.
Heero was next. He was close enough where I only had to turn my head to find that his lips were softer than Duo's, fuller and ready to be sucked in, as I devoured him. His hands were like iron, though, as he gripped me to keep his balance. When I broke away, and found myself pressed between them in a twin embrace, I rested my forehead on Duo's broad shoulder, and sighed. I did feel whole.
"Thank god!" Duo said in my ear, and his voice trembled. "I've wanted this for so long, Fei."
"It feels right... complete," Heero said as his arm came around my waist and he nuzzled my neck.
"Talk, Fei," Duo urged me. "Tell us what you want."
"You," I replied and my voice wasn't any steadier than Duo's. "Both of you."
It wasn't easy. Men have pride and we all had our fair share. Three dominate males, didn't submit, and it wasn't clear that either Duo or Heero had ever settled that issue in their relationship. With three of us, contending for dominance, it was more like a wrestling match, than an act of love, when we finally went to their bed, and tried to relieve the sexual tension that had been tying us all in knots for too long.
I knew the mechanics. They were practiced. They led and I followed, and when we had Duo between us, making him moan like a wild thing, Heero and I shared his surrender. I didn't last long, and I feared that I had hurt Duo in my eagerness to take him, but when Heero rolled him out of our spooning position, to put him on his back, and shoved Duo's legs up to enter him with a powerful thrust forward, Duo only expressed greater pleasure.
I smoothed a hand along both their moving bodies, marveling at a perfection of spirit that made scarred and pitted bodies, seem the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. I was a part of that perfection now, and I proved it, when I slid my hand between their striving bodies, found the source of Duo's pleasure, and made him come, along with Heero, with swift, tight, motions.
After, there should have been embarrassment, a stirring of conscience and shame, now that lust had been satisfied. There was none of that. We lay together, still touching, and marveling at us, at finding our other parts to make this whole, this new thing, between us.
Heero and I held Duo between us, and smiled at each other, as he murmured sleepily and held our arms around him.
I felt as if I should apologize for my behavior over the years, for shutting them both out so thoroughly, but it didn't seem necessary. That perfection that we had always found together, never needed words. Heero's hand closed over mine, as he settled to sleep as well, and his strong squeeze warned me against any attempts to change my mind. I never once contemplated it, then, or ever afterward.
End.