I should get on with my life. I should forget the perfect ideal and learn to live with flesh and blood. I had needs. I couldn't deny them forever. Every man seemed to know how to have sex, in a casual way, without entanglements. I had heard them brag enough times, always ready to describe their conquests no matter what the situation. They never cared about the person, or that person's failings. They only noticed large breasts, a full 'package', or a well rounded butt. A one night trist, maybe two, and they were done and the 'relationship' ended. Everyone seemed happy, agreeable, and eager for those brief encounters. What was wrong with me that I felt only nausea contemplating it?
I thought of seeing a psychologist, but the very idea of explaining my problem, was too shameful to contemplate. Perhaps it was a sense of desperation, or of wanting to burn my bridge to my dream thoroughly, that I finally asked Maxwell advice. His response was surprising.
We were packing supplies for our raw recruits, ready to take them out on a three day training exercise. Alone in the supply room, there had been a companionable feel to the situation that had given me enough confidence to ask.
Duo had looked surprised and then dumbfounded. He scratched the back of his neck and his face pinked a little. "Well, I don't really know anything about dating.. Now that the cat's out of the bag... You have to know, too, that I've only been with one guy. We didn't date. We just happened and that was that."
Heero. If he knew that I knew, I wasn't going to confirm it. I felt a warmth at his words, a vindication for thinking how worthy they were, how perfect. As my hand automatically packed charges into a supply bag, I asked, eyes on my task, "You've never questioned it... never felt..."
"What?"
"Men seem to like many partners, experimenting.."
"Are you sure you're Wu Fei?" Duo asked incredulously.
I ducked my head. "Forgive me. I know I've been... difficult. This isn't easy for me. I'm a private man."
"When you find the right guy, you don't want anything else," Duo told me. "Nobody else measures up."
My own words. Perfection. They had it. Now, I never would. "You are fortunate."
"We think so," Duo agreed. "But... you don't want that? Chang Wu Fei just wants one nighters? That doesn't seem like you at all. You've always been very... self contained."
"That doesn't sound like you," I pointed out suspiciously. "That sounds more like Yuy."
Duo grinned and nodded. "So, what changed?"
I packed for a few minutes before I could reply with a shrug. "I suppose you convinced me." but not in the way that he knew, I was sure."I've been too self contained."
Duo jumped on that. "You should start small, then." He was up, dropping his gear and I winced as small charge grenades rolled along the floor. His excitement confused me as he leaned into my space and put an eager hand on my shoulder. "Come over for pizza, tonight, with me and Heero. We'll watch something you like and just hang out. You've got to learn to be with people before you can... you know... play the field."
"Play the field?" I found myself staring at his hand, watching the 'death' tattoo on his finger flex against the material of my uniform.
"Convince someone to do the nasty," Duo translated, "Knock boots, side by side, missionary mambo, tango wrangle, Push ups..." A thought occurred to him and then he shut up, mercifully. "Sorry, I'm doing that annoying shit again, aren't I?" He became serious and patted my shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll be on my best behavior tonight. Show up at eight and don't be late."
Argument wasn't expected, it seemed. Duo sat back down and fished for his grenades to repack them, a smile firmly planted on his lips. In the face of that smile, that joy of my impending arrival into their home, I found protests dying before they were born.
Fool, I told myself, a dozen times over. I shouldn't have asked, said, or not said, any number of things. I could only think that it was my emotional turmoil that had turned me into a perfect idiot.
Perhaps I had wanted jealousy, protest? I considered that as we finished and stowed the gear for the next day. That Duo was all too willing to help me in my endeavor to have sexual relations, made my heart sink even further. My dream that he harbored deeper feelings for me, was crushed along with everything else. When you find the right guy, you don't want anything else, Duo had said. He had found his perfection during the war.
"No backing out," Duo said when we came to our parting of the ways. He wagged that 'death' finger at me. "It would be dishonorable for you not to show up."
War scared veteran, his hard life was in his eyes, and in the hard line between his eyes, but there was a youthful sparkle there still, and at least that was all for me.
"I'll be there," I promised, "but no pizza." I was regretting it already,
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I chose an outfit that looked starched and formal; black, high collar, long sleeves, with tight cuffs, and black pants that didn't look as if they favored sitting, or being comfortable in any manner, whatsoever. If my body, or mind, chose to betray me, I determined to at least appear to not be enjoying myself. That was key to my plan for the evening. I wanted them to never invite me again.
Duo opened the door, and I was surprised to see him looking as nervous as I was... and dressed just as conservatively. A cream colored button down shirt, dress, tan, dockers, and fashionable loafers were completely out of character for him. He smoothed a hand over his hair, as if he feared that something might be out of place, as he grinned tentatively.
"Fei, you're early," he said.
"I'm sorry, " I apologized.
His smile broadened as he chuckled, "No problem, but Heero's still getting dressed. Come on in."
I felt him looking me over as he motioned me to enter. He didn't give me his opinion, but I suppose it wasn't the same as mine about his clothing. Duo was probably having his suspicion, that I never relaxed, confirmed, by my dress. I was thinking that he had dressed, completely unlike himself, to impress me.
My opinion was reinforced by the way he tugged at his collar and cuffs, as if he wasn't used to anything that constrictive. Even at work, he kept his tie loose and his top buttons undone, so I could imagine that not being able to relax, now, was definitely making him uncomfortable and very aware of that discomfort.
"I thought that we were only staying here, and watching a movie?" I questioned as I looked around the small place.
He was at my elbow. "We are, but we try not to look like slobs in front of important guests," he told me. He added a little too quickly, "The place is bigger than it looks. Three bedrooms and a back yard."
Their home must have been narrow, then, pressed between neighboring buildings, and fighting for every inch in that dense city neighborhood. "The rent must be expensive," I said, to make small talk. Even as famous Preventer agents, our salaries were not extravagant.
Duo smoothed his hair again and replied,"Well, we bought it, outright. That way, nobody can say, 'Maxwell, no bombs, buster rifles, or security systems that can take out a city block.' It's all good."
"Not that he would listen, if they did," Heero said as he came into the room, pulling down a black, turtle neck sweater. He was also in dress pants and shoes. Charcoal gray complimented the black of his turtle neck.
Duo smirked and shrugged as he motioned me to an over stuffed couch. All of their furniture looked as if they had simply picked a package and had it delivered. None of it seemed to have any hint of their personalities. Even the few pictures on the wall, had probably come along with the couch, the two chairs, and a rather bland dinette set that I could just see through another doorway.
"No dog?" I wondered as I sat down.
Heero ran fingers through his hair as a combing method as he sat down. "Duo's allergic to animal fur," he explained.
Duo looked annoyed, as if he longed to help Heero straighten his hair. He smoothed hands against his sides, instead, and asked, "Can I get you a drink? We have beer, wine, that someone gave us when we moved in here, tea, coffee, juice... "
"Beer is fine," I told him and Duo's annoyance turned to pleasure as he said, "Great! Another beer drinker! You are now outnumbered, Heero."
Heero only grunted, as Duo went to get the drinks, and and then said to me, "Sit down, Wu Fei."
I did, stiffly. I'd never done anything casual with Heero Yuy. Seeing him without his gun, looking very handsome in his clothing, and relaxing in a chair, in his own home, felt more surreal, than anything else.
Heero nodded to the movie disc on the coffee table. "I hope that movie is all right. If not, we'll find another online that you do like."
I looked down and saw a simple historical story, something that would be relaxing and definitely to my tastes. I didn't think that either of my companions would enjoy it, though.
"The life of Kranz Meter?" I asked as I looked up at Heero.
Heero smiled. I was used to his smile, the one that dared death to come and get him before he finished his missions, the one that told a new recruit that he was about to clean the obstacle course with a whisk broom and a hand trowel, for a week, for insubordination. This smile was warm, and for me, and Duo, as he replied, "I'm actually interested in the man who invented the gyro array for all Gundams, and his life. Duo likes... musicals."
My eyes widened. "Musicals?" I had to repeat it. Heero's smile widened. I had to repeat it again. "Musicals?"
Heero nodded. "Pirates of Penzance, especially."
"That's... odd," I managed and also managed not to laugh, though it was threatening to bubble up.
"Gay, you mean," Duo growled as he came back into the room with our drinks, looking less than pleased with his house mate.
"I didn't say that," I protested. "I don't indulge in stereotypes, Maxwell." It stung that he thought that I would.
Duo realized his mistake and said quickly, as he handed me my beer, "I'm sorry, Fei! I'm just... well... I know how some people think."
"Not me," I insisted.
He smiled at me gently. "No, not you," he agreed.
"I do like Pirates of Penzance," I added. "We could-"
"Could we?!" Duo jumped on the offer excitedly, but Heero was rolling his eyes.
"Don't encourage him! He's seen it thousands of times," Heero groaned.
"And who watched, 'The life of Whales', a thousand times?" Duo shot back. He said, as an aside to me, as if imparting a dire secret, "The man loves nature shows."
Heero scowled. "They're informative and... beautiful." The last slipped out, despite himself, and then he blushed.
My mouth opened in shock and then I closed it, just as quickly, and covered up Heero's embarrassment with a question. "How did you know that I enjoyed histories?"
Duo spent a very long time on one sip of beer as he settled on the couch beside me and then admitted, "I saw you ordering one on your laptop, one day, and realized that you had a service. I..."
"Hacked it?" I supplied and he nodded. "A very simple thing to do, I'm sure." He nodded again. "Did it occur to you to ask me?"
"I thought that I would avoid the whole, 'I'll just watch what you like', thing," Duo replied. "I want you to enjoy yourself tonight."
"Then we'll be watching Kranz Meter," Heero told him firmly and looked pleased by his logic.
Duo smiled to show that he wasn't really annoyed by the prospect and said, "That's why I ordered it."
They were so easy with each other, I thought, and felt, very much, like a dark presence in their midst. I had planned to be unpleasant, after all, a guest that they would never wish to invite again, but their pleasant personalities, their comforting camaraderie with me, was making my plan impossible to carry out. I couldn't help joining in, relaxing, and enjoying myself. I knew that I had given up my plan, all together, when I unbuttoned my stiff coat and asked for a place to hang it up.
Dinner was a simple affair of fish, rice, and a salad. Duo ate with gusto, but Heero ate as if he could care less what he was eating, looking rather bored with the entire exercise.
"Not your favorite?" I had to ask as I folded by napkin over my empty plate.
Heero seemed caught off guard and Duo had a suddenly sad expression flit across his face. When Heero replied, it was with a shrug, and his eyes lowered, as he said, "I can't taste my food. When I self destructed.."
"You don't have to explain further," I interrupted. "Forgive my curiosity."
"I do the cooking," Duo butted in, trying to lighten my mood. "At least he can't tell how awful it is. Heero only cares about how it feels or how it looks."
I wasn't sure if a compliment was appropriate just then, but manners dictated it, so I managed, "The food is good, Duo. You are not a bad cook." I felt tense until Heero smiled at Duo, glad that his lover was getting the compliment that he could never deliver with any sincerity now.
Duo grinned at me. "Thanks, Fei. Don't ever ask for anything fancy, though, or I might blow up the kitchen... or your stomach."
I chuckled and surprised myself that I had relaxed that much. How not? I couldn't deny that I was where I had most wanted to be. I couldn't deny that I ached for the evening to never end. I didn't want to go back to my own lonely home after the companionship that I was experiencing now.
I helped them take the dinner dishes to the sink and then we nervously tried to arrange ourselves to watch the movie. They would be sitting together, of course, and I tried to maneuver myself towards one of the chairs. Duo prevented me, though, coming up beside me with a bowl of popcorn, while Heero blocked my other path, holding three drinks. Boxed in, I felt a flush of heat as I was forced to sit on the couch between them. They 'lounged' in comfort, but I sat ramrod straight, every muscle locked, and eyes forward.
Duo began the movie. It was interesting. In any other situation, I would have been fully engaged. Instead, all I could do was watch them out of the corners of my eyes and twitch every time I felt them move and brush unexpectedly against me. It was ridiculous. We were fully clothed. They were a couple. Nothing was going to happen, ever. When Heero stretched, and put his arm behind, me along the back of the couch, I couldn't help feeling as if he had put that arm around me. I had to stand up, quickly, blushing furiously, and ask, "Can we take a small break?"
"Yeah, sure," Duo told me as he stopped the movie and went to turn up the lights. "Bathroom's down the hall on the right."
"Second door," Heero added.
It wasn't the excuse that I was going to use, but it seemed like a better one than needing to leave. I determined to sit in the chair when I returned. I didn't think that I would survive the evening, otherwise, with my honor intact, or our tentative friendship.
I washed my face with cold water, while I was in the bathroom, and even remembered to flush the toilet before I left it, to keep up appearances. When I passed their bedroom on the way back, I couldn't help looking in. Everything was neat and tidy, the sheets and comforters all black, and the furnishings in a deep mahogany. Seeing a pair of underwear, tossed carelessly across that black expanse of bed, made me ache and feel a heat that I could hardly control. Duo or Heero's? It was impossible to tell. It was their attempt to keep an argument low that dashed cold water on my nearly out of control longing.
"Dumb ass!" Duo hissed. "Why did you do that? That's like sixth grade! Of course you made him feel all weird!"
"I was trying to-" Heero began to retort and then lowered his voice to a level that I couldn't hear.
I purposefully made a noise before I entered and then took the chair. They both watched me, glanced meaningfully at each other, and then accepted my new position without comment. I wasn't sure what they had been arguing about, but I intended not to be the cause of anymore. I was sure that my discomfort had been too evident, that I must have offended them, but it helped me firm my resolve. See, I said with my body language, with my refusal to sit with them, I am an ass, a frigid man, who will never care for anyone.
It was difficult for me to be that rude through the rest of the movie, especially with my heart aching for their warmth, for that brief time of being together. It was even more difficult to insist on leaving immediately afterward, to curtail anymore talk, anymore of the companionship that I would not be sharing in again.
Duo hung in the doorway as he saw me out, Heero a shadow behind him. As I buttoned up my dark coat, face as formal and as stiff as a block of ice, he said, with a lopsided grin, "So, how did you like it?"
"Like what, Maxwell?" I wondered, even managing a hint of irritation, but then offered, "The dinner and the movie were good. Thank you for inviting me."
The formal bow was my goodbye. As I turned, though, to go, Duo said with a chuckle. "I meant, how was your first date, with me and Heero?"
I stiffened and felt ice cold and scalded with heat at the same time. "Date?" I repeated.
"You didn't think that we invited just anyone over, did you?" Duo replied with mock hurt. "We're... discriminating. We only like pissy ex gundam pilots, it seems." When I couldn't formulate a reply, he added, "Think about it, Fei, okay?"
Then the door was closing and I was escaping to my car as if devils were after me, heart racing, and mind in turmoil.
TBC