If they knew... but they never will. As far as they are concerned, I am sexless; a hard wired agent of Preventers, incapable of any thoughts that are not either angry or related to work. The anger is for their benefit alone. Away from them, I'm calmer, more in tune with the peace that we all paid dearly for. I can't let them see that side of me, though, can't let down my guard for an instant, or they'll see what I've been hiding since the war. That would lead to shame, and revelations that would destroy rather than heal any loneliness in my soul. I have always sacrificed. I dearly wished that I didn't have to sacrifice for the rest of my life. They say that there is karma, a repayment for good deeds done. It seemed that my repayment was only to know that my two fellow agents, Maxwell and Yuy, would live their lives, unsullied by my desires, by my dishonorable feelings for them both.
"Where do you go?"
I blinked and scowled at Maxwell, who was leaning very close, his outrageous purple eyes inches from my own and sparkling with curiosity.
"What?" My tone was irritated and cool, as usual, filled with a false sense that I was leashing back contempt.
Maxwell gave me a patient smile and cocked his head slightly. "Once in awhile, you just go off somewhere in your own head. Is it some kind of meditation? If it is, can you teach it to me? I'd love to not have to listen to Une's boring lectures."
We were seated in a large Preventer auditorium, one usually reserved for ceremonies or serious briefings. Une had the floor and she was pacing, eyeglasses glinting, as she went on and on about following protocols. Half the Preventer force was seated about them, listening with the same glazed inattention. I envied Yuy that he was on assignment and had escaped the boring, two hour 'discussion'.
"Unlike you, I have serious thoughts in my head," I finally replied."I'm considering the facts of a current case, using this waste of time for better purposes."
"Oh." Duo seemed disappointed and unphased by my insult.
I frowned at him, fighting a reaction to his closeness, to the light smell of some aftershave, to the tightness of a uniform shirt across his muscled chest, that wasn't allowing for a new spurt of growth. He would never be tall, but he was still young, still finding his adult shape. He was growing more handsome by the day. "I don't live and breathe the martial arts, or any sort of L5 mysticism, Maxwell."
"I figured that out when I saw you eating chili dogs and joining the betting pool for that last baseball game," Duo snickered. "You did do mediation when we were stuck in that Moon base lock up, during the war, remember? That's what I was thinking about, you see?"
That near death experience was something that I tried to forget. I had felt helpless. Meditation had been my way of not only conserving air, but keeping me from revealing any last minute confessions to my L2 fellow terrorist. Even then, I had been attracted to him, had felt a connection that had been confusing, then, but was perfectly understood now.
His strong tanned hands were drumming lightly on his chair arms. Blunt fingers, chewed nails, and the white lines of small scars everywhere. He had a braided, colorful, bracelet on one wrist that peeked from under his uniform cuff. It was a cheap, street market thing, that tied instead of having a proper clasp. A little tattoo flickered in and out of view on the underside of his index finger on his other hand. It said 'Death' I knew, and was from the war, when that finger had been used on firing buttons and self destruct mechanisms.
"I see," I finally replied and put in my tone a feeling that I had judged him an idiot.
Duo sighed and slipped down in his chair, his attention on Une far down on the lighted stage."Okay, okay, I'll leave you alone... if you promise to wake me up when Une's finished?"
I grunted in reply, but he took that as agreement. His eyes closed and he was asleep, as quickly as that, breathing softly and lax in his seat. Like a big cat, I thought, using every opportunity to conserve energy.
I watched him for long minutes, helpless to control a need to memorize that little frown line, that small dimple on the left of his wide mouth, and the gentle arch of cinnamon brows over the soft shells of his eyes. I wanted to drink in that image, lock it in my brain, and keep it like a cherished photograph. It was all that I would ever get, such memories. Maxwell, and Yuy, could never know there was anything more to their fellow agent than duty and a temper. They couldn't know that I was gay, that I wanted what they would never give, because it wasn't in their natures.
Love is blind, and it hasn't any logic, but I felt it all the same, with a power that was purest torture every moment of every day. I called it perversion, wanting two men, but I knew better. It wasn't that sort of filth. It was a need that sprang from respect, and a knowledge that there were no two finer men on Earth or in Space. My desire was love and an aspiration to be a part of that excellence.
A guilty part of my mind recalled tight shorts and tighter tank tops during training courses, but I was very good at denying what I considered baser desires. I had them, like any man, but no one would ever know that. Having set my standard at Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell, lesser beings would not be tolerated.
Une finished with a flourish of reprimands and then closed the meeting. There was the confusion of many people leaving, at the same time, and I waited until the room had cleared, some what, before touching Duo lightly on the sleeve.
Duo started and blinked, sitting up and becoming aware with an instantaneous ability that a man learned during war time, or died. He smiled at me and a light blush bloomed on his cheeks. "I was having this dream... about you meditating in pink boxers... and cream cheese bagels... and..." He shrugged and stood up. "Weird."
________________________________
"Why don't you come over to my place and we can order take out?" Duo suggested to me at the end of the day. He had slung a companionable arm over my shoulders and was steering me away from my destination, the Preventer gym.
"I thought that you had a date?" I rolled the last word over my tongue with distaste and I suppose that he heard it. Jealousy, though, was as hard to understand, and to control, as love.
Duo loosened his tie with one hand and looked strangely ashamed. It was a fleeting expression before he tucked it away and replaced it with his ever present grin. "Cancelled. Can you imagine anyone canceling a date with me? The woman needs her head examined."
"Or she may be the sanest of the women that you have dated, yet," I replied as I slid out from under his arm and began walking toward the gym again. "I have a schedule, Maxwell. I don't intend to deviate from it to salve your sense of abandonment."
He followed, puzzling over that, and then said, "Abandonment? Look, Fei, I'm just trying to be friendly, here. You're not some sort of stand in, okay?"
I gave him a roll of my eyes to regard him, critical and cool, as always, as I said, "While I am happy to hear that I'm not being asked to replace a one night stand, I really don't see-"
"It's not a date, Fei! Jeez! Forget it! Why can't you just get off your gundanium pole up the butt, for once, and try to be friends? Since Heero is gone on his mission, I thought-"
"So, I'm a stand in for Yuy?" My tone dropped another few degrees into frigid territory.
"No! God Damn it, Fei, have it your way! Be alone!" He stormed off, loose tie and braid flying behind him.
My own self imposed arctic winter closed around me. That had been necessary, though. Alone, with Duo Maxwell, I could only imagine an evening of pain, denial, and frustration. It was much better to have him disliking me, being offended, and giving up any more attempts to cultivate a friendship between us. I could manage to stay professional on missions, and in the halls of Preventer proper, and that was where I intended to keep my relationship with Maxwell and with Yuy.
I thought about Duo's date calling it off as I began running through my exercises on the wide mats in the gym.When I thought about it, I realized that neither Duo, nor Heero, had relationships with women that were more than one night stands. There was never a woman, waiting in the Preventer garage, for them to exit, or brought to the few Preventer functions were significant others were allowed. Where other agents littered their offices and desks, and even had photos stitched into their uniforms, of loved ones, Duo and Heero had none of that. My agent instincts signaled confusion, but the wiser veteran of war, and of several years in Preventer service, knew how hard it was to live any kind of normal life. Finding someone to understand, and live with, the twenty four hour 'on call' status of an agent, would be very difficult.
The needy, small minded, man inside of me was glad that my two interests were still single. I could never stop that leap of relief, whenever they lamented about another woman leaving them in the dust. Not that Heero indulged in that sort of conversation, but Duo was always with him, giving him the solicitous pat on the arm after yet another failed attempt. Heero was not open about such things, and I only knew of those attempts, from Duo, who seemed strangely eager to let everyone know when Yuy was going on a 'big date'.
"Your form is excellent." The man who took up a position near me, and began his own exercises, had a handsome face and a smile for me.
He was a new agent and didn't know my reputation yet, as a bad tempered loner. When he tested the waters, trying to discover my orientation with a neutral, "Mind if I exercise with you?" , I could only reply angrily, "Yes, I do mind. You are disturbing my concentration."
The man started, blinked, and then looked embarrassed as he made a hasty retreat. As I continued to do my exercises, as if the incident was meaningless to me, I found it difficult not to follow his progress in the gym. That could so easily have been me, after all, testing the waters, trying to discover if someone else shared my interest, my orientation, and fearing anger, or even violence, if I should have happened to be wrong. Yes, it was much better to abstain, for my two ideals, than to suffer such indignities, I thought. Logic told me that I was a coward, but my heart was ruling my actions, not my head.
-----------------------------------
When Yuy returned, scratched and bruised, but otherwise unharmed, there was a triumphant air at Preventers, that lasted several days. Their star had battled evil and won the day, and all of Preventers rode on that man's wings, as if they had all had a hand in the mission. Preventers was all about team work, but I could only scoff at my fellow agents for trying to borrow Yuy's glory. I was much more reserved, simply asking after his status, as we passed in a hall, and getting a firm look and a smirk in return as he had replied, "Ready for action." It wasn't until I was turning into my office, that I remembered that he had gotten that phrase from Duo.
As I settled into my day's work, I couldn't stop envious thoughts. I would have given anything to live together, as they did, enjoying their company not just at work, but after, as well. My image of that situation was perfect, of course, and lacking in any sort of reality, but it was an unattainable dream, anyway, and it hardly mattered how accurate it was.
My hand had scribbled a floor plan to a dream house, on my note pad, while I waited for my computer to pull up pages of case files. I scowled and crumpled the large, open, living spaces, the bedrooms for each that suited our personalities, the garden for meditation, and the clean lines of a work out area. It seemed that the cost of my imaginings, had as little to do with reality as the rest of it.
"A waste," I grumbled under my breath, and then was angry that I was speaking aloud to myself. I didn't need that sort of confirmation.
"Knock, knock," Duo called from the doorway.
I frowned at him as I continued to go through files. "Actually knocking was too difficult?"
Duo grinned and came into the office, Preventer coat hanging open and tie loose. It seemed that he was over his anger with me and willing to try friendship yet again. The man was a masochist, I decided. "Banging seems ruder," he replied.
My brain twisted around the illogic of that, until I told it, angrily, to stop, because that was exactly the reaction Duo had wanted. It was confirmed when he chuckled at my look of annoyance.
"I do have work, Maxwell," I told him as he perched the edge of his ass on the corner of my desk, nearest me, one leg hitched up on top of my papers. I couldn't help notice, even though I tried very hard not to, the way his pants mounded over his crotch. Any man will automatically wonder about size, and I was no exception. It was almost painful to get that stopped.
"You haven't checked your email, have you?" Duo asked with a grin. "We have marching orders."
My fingers flew and I poured over the details, flushing with excitement. He laughed at my eager expression, and then pointed to the part where it listed personnel. Yuy and Maxwell, and four others, were with my name. The level of danger, then, was extreme.
"Yuy's just returned, though," I pointed out.
"And he's fully operational," Duo countered as if he were talking about a machine. The pleasure in that statement made me glance at him, though, and I saw his warm smile. He didn't give me time to understand as he pointed at details on my screen and we began talking about timetables.
"I need to talk to Lorimar, and get us outfitted properly," I finally said and stood up. "The man is worthless, when it comes to calculating ammo charges."
I was gone from the office, before Duo could stand up, but I heard his chuckle and something about 'anal', as I passed the doorway.
We were all in Preventers because we couldn't give up the adrenaline rush of a mission, the feeling of purpose that came with the job, and the need to use our skills in the best way possible. There was never any complaints when missions were handed out, only an all encompassing rush of fulfillment and, yes, happiness. We lived to serve, and, at least, as far as I was concerned, I couldn't imagine any other life. Serving with the two people, who I wished to be with, more than anyone else in the world, made my world whole and complete. Perhaps it could never be anything but a working relationship, but, I lied to myself, I could well live on that.
___________________________________
"They aren't sloppy," Duo muttered as he checked the satellite at every angle once again. He tapped the screen as it showed a pitted hatch under the lee of a solar panel vane. "Maybe, there, but it'll still be a bitch."
"Should just blow them to hell, and be done with it," an agent growled as he checked a space suit meticulously.
I didn't bother pointing out that there were civilians strategically placed on that satellite, or that the information, and materials, were far too valuable to space. The man was merely venting his anxiety. No one liked risking lives, especially the lives of the men and women that were their partners as well as close friends.
"The distance is too great," Heero worried. "You'll have to cut the electronics on approach. I don't like the idea of your having to drift that much with no support or jets."
Duo gave him a snort and a cocky grin. "And we get these missions because...?"
"We have a distinct lack of care for our own self preservation when it comes to risks," I replied sourly.
"Suicidal," the agent with the suit chuckled, but then, more seriously, "Ready to go, Captain Maxwell."
The man should have been flattered that he was trusted to that degree as Duo gave him the thumbs up and didn't recheck the suit. His life depended on that evaluation being accurate. We had all learned to depend on team mates, though, to give up our single man armies, when we had all listened to Quatre, during the war, and come together to fight. It wasn't a lesson that we had discarded afterward. A man couldn't do it all alone, and hope to succeed.
Our ship tumbled in a skree of debris, junk jettisoned, uncaring, from the aft ports of the satellite. In a synchronized dance, between the stars, in a ship retrofitted to look as unimposing as the garbage all around us, and with every instrument almost dead, it certainly didn't look as if it was filled with a crack team of Preventer agents, suited up and ready for action.
"Once through the repelling field, you won't have long to open the hatch," Heero still argued. "The time spent drifting-"
Duo was in a skin tight, white pair of stretch shorts and an equally tight stretch shirt. When he stood and began limbering up, his braid swinging with the motion, he was a powerful, lean, wide shouldered argument that was hard to contest. He was capable his smirk told Heero, and anyone else who cared to challenge that.
"Save your breath, Yuy," I said, as if grumbling at Duo's obstinacy."He's determined to take the risks... again."
Heero handed Duo a disrupter pack with a frown. "I won't bother gathering up the pieces, if space debris holes you, or that blast gun, over the hatch, takes you out, Maxwell, because you wanted to do the impossible, roger that?"
"Ah, I can feel the love," Duo snickered. "I don't think I want my bits snorkled, like dirt in a vacuum cleaner, anyway. Drifting in space, seems a lot more dignified."
I agreed with him, but didn't say so. My gut was too busy tightening with nausea at the thought of Duo being blasted by the heat gun, suffocating, freezing to death, or being riddled by space garbage.
Duo suited up and strapped on his equipment and weapons, while everyone took up positions to be ready for the assault. I was at controls, having a finer touch than Heero, and Heero was with the other agents, checking equipment and the readiness of our team. He would lead the assault, once Duo had breached the hatch, and I had forced a docking. Backup was a good distance away, but they would close in, as well, once we secured the safety of the civilians.
Duo tucked his braid into his suit, rotated his head to check that it wasn't binding anywhere, scratched his nose, and then put his helmet on. The enviro shield came on with a blue glow on the face plate and he tapped it with a finger to check it's stability. It held nicely and he grinned at us.
"Ready to go," he mouthed, keeping radio silence.
Hands patted Duo's shoulders, for good luck, as he moved between the double row of suited agents to the hatch. Heero watched him go with a flat look, but I could see a muscle tightening along one jaw. I decided that he was trying for the same control that I was, but for different reasons. They were friends. He didn't have the added burden of desire to do battle with, as I did.
Duo went through the air lock sequence and I changed screens until we saw him float out, on a burst of air, from his jets, to leave our debris field, and to position himself for the push towards the satellite. As soon as I saw him cut his instruments, I set the time, and felt my tension rise as it began counting off how long he had to reach safety, and breech that hatch, before space took him.
_________________________________
Duo was poetry in motion in space, even suited up. Having lived his young life, as I had, on a low gravity colony, he had the advantage, but zero G, could terrify even the hardiest colonist, especially when there was nothing between a man, and a long drift out of the solar system, except momentum. Duo executed his mission flawlessly, though, and with total confidence, as he reached the hatch, disabled the opticals, the gun, and then made the motion that we had been waiting for. It was time to go in.
Duo wasn't out of danger yet. Our hookup had to be both quick and violent. He had to find a grip, and hold it, until our ship was locked down and the hatch blown inward. The danger of shrapnel piercing his suit, was a real concern. As I piloted our ship into position, I had one eye on the monitor, showing me Duo scrambling out of our way, and the other on the line up that would bring our grappling tube into position. The thud of contact made everyone rock on their feet, and the shudder as the charge went off, had everyone holding their breaths. It was a moment that could mean success, or instant death, depending on the defenses of the enemy.
The moment passed, and we were safe. My monitor showed Duo entering the access tube, and I muttered under my breath angrily, as I saw a jet of air and flame almost envelop him, before going out. He had given us more time with that move, but it could have ended very badly for him. I pressurized the tube, as soon as he was in, and Yuy slammed the button down on our hatch, as soon as the green light flashed, signaling livable atmosphere.
Yuy didn't need to shout orders. Everyone knew their positions. I tossed off my instruments, and joined them, shoulder rifle coming off of my back, and into my arms, in one smooth motion, as we poured into the enemy stronghold. Duo was already out of his suit, and Yuy tossing him his vest, and weapons, as he was drawn forward with us. His battle grin was on and I saw the flash of response in Yuy's eyes as they took point.
It would be a lie to say that it went by the numbers. We lost a man, in the first clash with the rebels, to friendly fire. I heard Duo curse the man to hell, under his breath, for being where he wasn't supposed to be, but it was to cover up the anguish that we all were feeling. No one liked to see comrades fall, especially by getting in the way of return fire.
I did some cursing of my own, when Duo jumped forward, under a hail of fire, to grab the man and check for a pulse. The hole in his back should have been enough of a clue, as to his status, but Duo, I think, would have tried to recover even pieces of a man, to stitch back together, if he could manage it. Seeing someone that I cared that much about, risking his life with just a flack jacket and in, what amounted to, his underwear, would give me nightmares days afterward.
I wasn't surprised when Yuy stood, shoulder to shoulder with me, and covered Duo with our fire, to keep the rebels under cover while he retreated back to us.
"Goner," Duo reported unnecessarily and wiped at blood where a bullet had creased one cheek.
The 'death' tattoo on Duo's finger flashed at me as he made the motion and it made me angry enough to snap,"You're on report!"
That made him grin at me even while he returned fire as we were rushed by the terrorists.
The plan to secure the civilians was in shambles, but we had expected that. Sometimes, orders are given, even when they are impossible to follow. We did our best to draw the terrorists onto us and take them out, hoping that killing their hostages would be the last thing on their minds. Our only measure of success was coming between the two, before we called in our backup.
The mop up wasn't any cleaner. Chasing down terrorists, in a rat maze of a station, took time, even with the added forces. The civilians were evacuated during this part of the operation and I never saw the men, women, and children that we had given blood for. There was almost never any form of thanks, usually. We were part of the faceless force that protected them, and they were too busy being glad to be alive. One didn't perform one's duty for thanks, anyway, I thought. I was the inner peace, and power, that the act of sacrifice, gave a man, that made it worth it.
The return trip was calm. Adrenaline had been spent and wounds were being felt, now. Agents lined the walls, weapons stowed, jackets open and hanging, and comrades moving along the line, helping to patch up the wounded. I could feel pride for every one of them, as I hit the autopilot and joined them, but it was Heero and Duo, that I felt most akin too.
We were brothers, baptized by the same fires of war, even though my thoughts for them were far from brotherly, and no other agent could touch that aura and join with it. Our connection was solid as gundanium, and we only had to exchange looks to know that we all felt it, that I was truly one of them. Duo thought that I gloried in battle, but it was this connection that I craved. A moment when I didn't have to be on guard against revealing myself, when it was acceptable to show pride in what we were together. I couldn't help wishing that I could share that forever, and that the mission would never end.
----------------------------------------
"You didn't even say hello to her, Maxwell!"
Duo blinked at me in confusion. "What?"
Walking from the intense meeting with Une, where she had dressed us down for our sloppiness, in the last mission, for nearly two hours, it surprised me as well where my next focus shifted to.
"Donna Pertrelli, your girlfriend," I clarified. I dared touch him on the arm, as I directed his gaze back down the corridor. The brunette captain, in question, was just turning into an adjoining hallway."It's no wonder that you can't keep a girlfriend," I continued sourly. "You can't treat people so indifferently and expect them to respond in any favorable fashion."
Understanding dawned on Duo's face, but he was looking at me and giving me an odd, wistful smile. "I dunno, Fei. I keep sticking with you, even though you're pretty 'indifferent'."
I felt a pang of longing and confusion, twisted together like barbed wire, inside of my chest, and then I was falling back behind my defensive wall of disdain. "You are not like most people, Maxwell. Most people require far more to maintain a healthy relationship."
Duo raised a brown eyebrow. "Advice from a man who hasn't had a date...ever, as far as I know. Why the sudden interest in my love life?"
Why, indeed? I wasn't sure why I was speaking about it, now, when we were both sore and weary from our last mission, and ready to go to our respective homes for much deserved down time. There was also a painful factor to my interest. I wasn't the kind of man to seek out ways to harm my own psyche. I suppose that it was another exercise in avoidance. The mission had made me super sensitive to Duo and Heero. It had made me aware of how very much I cared for them. Shoving Duo at women, was most likely, a way of putting distance between us, in marking, at least Duo, as unattainable.
"You're the one who tells me about your failures," I pointed out, though I felt derision at my poor counter. "I'm merely making an observation, in hopes that you will, at last, succeed, and end your infantile, and long winded, complaining of the injustice of women."
Duo worked on that, for a moment, as we continued to walk towards the exit to the car park. He looked either ready to laugh or to get angry. His face was a battleground, as it changed expressions several times. At last, as we reached the heavy door, and walked into the dim, echoing car park, he said, "Okay, I lied about Donna... about all of them, actually. I don't like women, Fei."
I stopped halfway through the door. The heavy thing swung back, and almost hit me. Duo caught it, his body leaning away from it to support the weight. His eyes were serious and glued to my face, waiting for my reaction.
"I just..." Duo swallowed and his cheeks went a little pink. "I just don't want you trying to set me up with dates next. All that... well, people get weird when they know. It's better that they think that I'm just an idiot when it comes to women. It was better that you thought that."
My brain was without thought. I felt a burning heat, a dizziness, and confusion. Duo began to look concerned.
"Fei?"
"Why tell me now?" I finally asked. it was in a choked whisper, though, in a voice that hardly sounded like mine.
Duo sighed and leaned against the door. "Maybe I'm tired of lying to you? That sort of thing can pile all the way to L2, and beyond, after awhile. Lie on lie. Maybe you hate me now? Maybe this is it, and I'll see you at meetings, only, from now on, or when we're forced on missions together... but that's all we do anyway, right? Why keep lying to a guy who won't go to the local bar and have a beer with me? Who's never seen my apartment? Who doesn't even know I have a little dog named Spike? What's the point?"
"You have a dog?"
"Okay, I don't have a dog... still... you wouldn't know that," Maxwell's snort of laughter was bitter.
"Does Yuy know?" I wondered and still couldn't manage more than a whisper.
Duo cocked his head to one side, looking disgusted. "Sometimes, Fei, you can be as dumb as a box of rocks."
My temper flared. "I trusted you to tell me the truth. Why should I question your word?"
He blinked, frowned, and then sighed as he let the door go and went into the shadows. "I don't even know what we're talking about, now, Fei."
I moved through the door before it could try to connect with me again, but Duo wasn't even slowing down. He was already down one lane of cars, and, I felt, that he wouldn't welcome pursuit.
My mind struggled with it's confusion and then it crystallized and I yelled, "I am not so small minded, Maxwell, to act the bigot, and I resent your assumption that I am!"
My voice echoed and I saw several people, nearby, turn to stare.
I heard Duo's laugh, but he didn't reply. It would be hard, I realized, to face each other the next time that we met, with this new knowledge between us, but Duo wouldn't understand the full reason why. My world had been turned on it's head, with his revelation, but that, in no way, gave me permission to reveal my own secret, my own desires. This was not a declaration that we were, in essence 'on the same playing field'. A mutual sexual attraction did not clear away obstacles between us, especially not when we were working together, and knew so little of each other's personal lives. Still, there was a small fire lit, within me, that had been a cold, barren hearth before. Impossible, had become a possibility, and I couldn't extinguish hope.
-----------------------------
The sun hit his eyes and made them glow. Deep blue depths with a three dimensional shift to some clearer color that I couldn't name at their edges. His face was a study in contrast to the hard muscled, spare, rest of him in his shorts and Preventer T-shirt. He was all manly angles, but that chin was soft and those lips had a hint of a pout on the bottom lip, right above a thin, white scar. Fall of chocolate hair, round of one strong shoulder, and the way his knees made me think of the piston legs of a Gundam, were all heated distractions in the already hot afternoon sun of the obstacle course. I tried to see the flaws in Heero Yuy as we watched the recruits go through their paces, but even the deep pit, under one thigh, seemed a mark of honor; a beautiful tale telling me how desirable the man was to every fiber of my being. Maxwell spoke to my gentler nature, a part of me that was drawn to his joking and good natured outlook on life. Yuy spoke to my warrior, my hot blooded need to find an sequel to my ideal of strength.
Yuy accepted Duo's sexuality. He continued to live with the man. That spoke to me of a higher nature, a mark of a man who could see the true worth of others, and not share in the prejudices that still ruled even in our enlightened era. I wondered if he knew about me and weather he and Maxwell spoke of me when they were together. If they did, I hoped that they spoke of me with honor and not laughter or derision. I had chosen a hard path, denying myself, and not settling for less than my ideals, but others hadn't seen it that way. They had chosen to call me aloof, arrogant, self centered, and any other number of less worthy names.
"Paulson has trouble on the verticals," Heero sighed and made a note on his computer pad.
"He needs to rely on his team, and he's failing to do so," I replied as my eyes shifted from the object of my desire to the man in question on the field. "We may have to scrub him from the team."
"We have time to try to train him," Heero argued. "He has high firing range marks. We haven't had a good sharp shooter since Hirakowa transferred to L3."
I nodded but crossed my arms over my chest stubbornly and said, "There are some things that are set, in a man. They can't be changed. If a man relies only on himself, it shows a deep distrust for others that may be ingrained into his psyche."
Heero's eyes slid to me and he had to look marginally down. We had both grown after the war but he had more length in the leg than I. The sun seem to make his eyes translucent and I looked away, as my mind tried to define that particular color.
"People can change," he argued further.
"I don't believe so," I replied, stiffly stubborn.
"No?"
I was forced to look at him again, to understand his mood, and the strange, almost regretful, change to his voice, and felt a hot flush as I realized that he was regarding me intently.
"Not in my experience," I replied and it came out almost choked.
"I should jettison him, then, without exploring further," Heero asked, "Without even trying?"
Were we talking about Paulson? It didn't seem so. He was too intent on me, even leaning into my space. I tried to confirm that we were speaking about the recruit. "If you wish to waste your time, who do you recommend as a trainer?"
"Grogen," Heero replied and he was suddenly straightening and looking at his board again, as if the moment before hadn't existed. I almost thought that it hadn't as he continued. "Grogen is solid and reliable. He makes a good anchor."
"Anchor?" I blinked, confused and feeling as if I were speaking to Maxwell. Only he could make me feel so off balance.
"He's patient and solid and keeps the recruits in line when they try to 'hotdog'," Heero explained.
"But he's in Taylor's unit," I pointed out. "You'll have to request a temporary transfer. It's a great deal of trouble."
I heard Heero sigh and there was a small shrug of his shoulder. "Your standards are too high."
He had handed me ammunition, something to strike at the desire with; something to give me distance from the smell and warmth of his skin, so close to me, and the unreasonable urge to reach out and..."Too high? Perhaps yours are too low? I fail to understand why you would risk future missions by populating your team with substandard rejects who have to be coddled into doing what is expected of them."
I waited with cool disdain, for his hot reaction, my eyes on a distant point and my nostrils giving an annoyed flare of complete and assured arrogance.
"People don't come in perfect packages, Maxwell always tells me," Heero replied calmly and even smiled in a way that made me tremble. You didn't smile like that when you spoke of someone who was only a friend, a comrade in arms, a fellow agent.
I was, as Maxwell put it, as dumb as a box of rocks. Duo was gay. He was living with Heero Yuy, who was accepting of that situation because, Heero Yuy was also gay. They were... a couple.
The world slipped in and out of focus, and things seemed, for a bit to be too loud, but distorted. It took me a moment to realize that Heero was frowning in concern and reaching out to steady me as he asked anxiously, "Are you all right?"
I avoided his touch as if it might burn, feeling a fool, and aching as if I had been wounded mortally. I had, in a sense. There was little that was more painful than to have your heart so thoroughly crushed. It had always had an elusive hope of a someday, no matter how many times I had denied the truth of that hope. Here was an end to it and it was full of bitter humiliation and on display before men I wanted total respect from.
There was nothing to say, no question that I could ask in that situation. They had both made a fool of me, lying about relationships with women and failing to trust me, when I had thought that I had all of their confidence and respect.
My jaw clenched tight. "Perhaps too much sun..." I managed with a wooden tone.
Heero was still looking concerned. "I'll handle the rest of the exercise," he told me. "You should take an early lunch."
He thought that I was being weak, that something as petty as sunshine could rattle my health. It was hard to contain my fury, to nod, and walk, stiffly, back to headquarters without burning him with a furious reply.
Maxwell and Yuy. I couldn't help images of them tangled together in bed sheets, wondering who would be the aggressor, who would lie passive while the other rose over them and commanded them utterly. How long? How long had they been together and I had been too blind to see it?
I thought about a day, on Peacemillion, during the war, when I had seen Yuy and Maxwell come through the hatch of a docked shuttle, looking hot and out of breath. I had dismissed it as 'making repairs', but now I saw it through new eyes. I saw two young men relieving tension the way two young men might, and being discreet about it, on board a ship where every space was communal.
That long, at least. My face burned. Why hadn't they trusted me? I considered that as I went back to my other duties. My own self truth was as painful as the rest. When had I ever given them reason to think that I wouldn't be as judgmental as the rest? Hadn't I spent years acting the prick, the arrogant perfectionist, the man who needed no one? I had refused every overture of theirs, had crushed every attempt by Maxwell to include me in their off duty lives. Who was I to wonder why they wouldn't trust me?
I scrubbed a hand over my face and must have let out a sigh of frustration and self recrimination. It confirmed to the medic approaching me, that my story about the sun affecting my health, was valid. Heero had called the man to check on me, like any good Captain. My anger, fueled by the long examination that I endured, took the edge off of my inner pain for a few hours.
TBC