Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of them.
Warnings: Male/Male sex, graphic, language, violence,past NCS.
Kracken
Disclaimer: Don't own them and don't make any money off of this.
Warning:Male/male sex, graphic, language, violence, past NCS descriptions
Shinigami's Lover III
Sequel to Duty.
Remember
"It looks.... strange."
Duo glanced at Heero. The man was sitting in the passenger seat of the car and looking bewildered. His head was still bandaged and his bruised face was pale. Duo had been glad to accept the gift of a car from Quatre. A loan, Duo had insisted, but Quatre had smiled indulgently as he had handed him the keys of the blue four door and not replied. He needed that car or he would have refused, Duo thought. Heero needed to go to therapy sessions and Duo wasn't about to make him ride a bus there and back, especially in the confused state he was in.
"How strange?" Duo wondered, as always eager for some clue as to just how bad Heero was. Having just pulled into the driveway of their home, and knowing that Heero was talking about the house, told Duo exactly how bad, but he needed Heero to confirm his fears to keep himself from avoiding the reality of the situation.
"I remember moving here...," Heero replied slowly, "but I don't remember the house." He frowned and touched his forehead. "I hate this. It's like... trying to see when there are blind spots everywhere."
Duo nodded, reached over, and squeezed Heero's knee. "It's okay, Heero. You know what the doc said. Take it easy, go to therapy, and it'll all come back soon."
Heero blinked at him and the scowl was now for Duo. "He said, 'It may come back soon', as I recall."
Duo forced a grin. "See? You're doing better all ready. You remembered something that I didn't."
Heero's scowl didn't go away. Duo avoided it by turning off the car and getting out. He could already hear Soda barking excitedly along with the puppies, only they weren't so much puppies any longer.
"Dogs..." Heero said and that puzzled look was back. He shook his head as he left the car and stood by Duo uncertainly. "I always thought that you would want cats."
Duo raised an eyebrow. "Cats? Well, cats wouldn't have worked as well. Soda isn't exactly a pet, Heero. He's a working dog. I'm training the other dogs for the Preventers. As soon as I think they're ready, I'll find good agents to take them."
"He's an agent?" Heero wondered.
"Yes, among other things," Duo replied. "Come on, we'll go inside and you can relax."
Heero nodded, but his jaw was tight. He was clearly uneasy.
Once inside, Heero settled his shoulders and looked around, taking in everything with the careful scrutiny of a soldier. "I remember this."
"The inside?" Duo smiled. "Good. The rest will come back, you'll see." Duo dropped Heero's bag onto the couch. "You're probably tired. You should go up to our bedroom and sleep until dinner."
Heero's eyes traveled up the stairs. "Up there, to the right," he said.
"Yes," Duo replied. "That's where it is. You go on up and I'll check on the dogs and let Soda out. Otherwise, the mutt will chew a hole through the fence to get to me."
"He did that before..." Heero said and frowned. "I remember... something... It's not very clear. Is Soda a German shepherd?"
"Yes, he is." Duo smiled for Heero, watched the man climb the stairs wearily, and then let the smile drop as he frowned in worry. He wasn't used to Heero being so unsure of himself. Duo definitely wasn't used to being the strong one, the one who had to lead the faltering steps of his lover. "I can do this," Duo whispered as he went to get Soda. "I won't let Heero down."
When Duo joined Heero in the bedroom, Soda padding silently behind him, Heero
looked the dog over with a frown. He was undressed and under the covers of the
bed, looking like a confused boy with his tousled hair and his face set in lines
of concentration. Soda nosed the bed and looked at Heero curiously, his tail
wagging gently. Heero didn't reach out to pet him.
"I remember him now," Heero said and rubbed at several small scars
on one arm. "He bit me."
"He did, when I first came to live with you," Duo admitted as he slipped off his shoes and socks and sat on the bed. "He's trained to be my guard dog and to keep people from getting too close to me unless I order him not to. You surprised him when you ran to me and hugged me."
Heero thought over that. "Does he make you feel safe?"
Duo nodded, embarrassed to admit to his old weakness. "I've managed to become more independent since then. I don't really need him that much anymore. I trained him to be an agent to have a reason to keep him with me on the job."
Heero looked Duo over. "It makes more sense now."
Duo was puzzled as he lay next to Heero. "What does?"
"These thoughts in my head," Heero replied. "It was like a puzzle with missing pieces. You've made some of the picture whole again."
Duo smiled. "Good."
They turned to face each other. Heero cautiously reached out and touched Duo's cheek. "I'm sorry," he said.
"For what?" Duo wanted to know as he draped an arm over Heero's hip.
"Wu Fei said that I did something stupid," Heero replied. "I don't remember why I did it, but it was my fault that I was hurt. I'm burdening you because I-"
Duo put a finger against Heero's lips and Heero stopped talking. Duo scowled. "Without you," he said simply, "I'd be dead. We wouldn't be talking right now. "
Heero touched the scar on Duo's forehead, the one caused by his attempt at suicide. Heero leaned forward and kissed it. It made Duo shiver. "If I don't get better," Heero said softly, "If my memory stays patchy, I'm not sure how that will affect things."
"You mean affect us?" Duo was incredulous. "After all that you went through with me and you think we'll have problems because you can't remember your locker number or that I have a dog?"
"I may have to resign from the Preventers," Heero told him seriously. "I may need to have assistance if the scans the doctor took show any long term damage." It was clear that Heero was frightened and trying to hide it. He had always prided himself on his strength and his control. Admitting that he might be crippled was hurting him terribly.
Duo moved in close and pressed against Heero's chest, sliding arms around the man and holding him tightly. Heero remembered not to do the same. Instead, he smoothed a hand along Duo's braid and then took a light hold on it. He brought the end to his lips and kissed it.
"I know how much the Preventers means to you, Heero," Duo told him. "I know how much being competent, being in control, means to you... but don't I mean as much?" He looked up at Heero's startled expression. "I know things might be bad, and I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend it can't, but I think we mean enough to each other where we can overcome anything and still have a good life together. You may not get to do the things you loved, you may not get to be a field agent any longer, but I'm still here, our home is still here, and so are our friends. This isn't going to affect any of that."
Heero sighed and relaxed. "I know. You're right. I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself."
"Get some rest," Duo breathed against his collarbone. "I'll stay with you."
Heero tensed. "I... Duo, I don't think that's a good idea."
Duo frowned, suddenly feeling fear grip him as he wondered if Heero was rejecting him. "What's wrong, Baby?" When Heero looked unsure, Duo suddenly understood. "It's all right," he assured Heero. "We've been sleeping together for some time now. I don't... I don't try and attack people when I wake up now. Heero... do you remember? I spent a year in an institute learning how to deal with my problems."
"I remember..." Heero still sounded uncertain though. "Not well though." He suddenly buried is face against Duo, hiding in the thick braid of Duo's hair. He was trembling. "I don't like this... I don't... I need you, Duo. I'm glad I can sleep with you. I need that... you...."
"I'm here," Duo assured him and kissed the parts of Heero's face that he could reach. "I'm not going anywhere, Heero. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."
"Love you," Heero said in a shuddering breath.
"Love you," Duo replied and held him close until Heero fell asleep against him. Getting more comfortable, Duo kept his arms around his lover. They would get through this, he thought fiercely, together.
There was a reason that Duo had Soda. When Duo felt hands flailing against him, it was only for a moment, and then Soda was on the bed and pulling Heero off of him, not giving Duo a chance to react himself. Heero didn't fight, though he could have killed the dog easily. He went limp instead and blinked dazedly up at the big dog standing over him and growling like a bear.
"Soda! No!" Duo shouted, his mind struggling to comprehend and take a coherant course of action. He fought his way clear from tangled blankets.
"Nightmare," Heero whispered hoarsely .
"Nightmare?" Duo repeated stupidly as he pushed Soda aside. "Green, Soda." he said as he leaned over Heero. There were teeth marks, red and ugly on his lover's arm. Soda was a reassuring presence, an anchor for Duo. Sinking one hand into the soft pile of fur of Soda's ruff went a long way to reassure Duo and to keep his own nightmare's at bay. Duo's free hand reached out and touched Heero's arm. "What were you dreaming about?"
Heero frowned. He rubbed at his eyes and Duo could see that he was having trouble both physically and emotionally. "Something from the war, " he murmered at last and hid behind and arm thrown over his eyes.
"No," Duo said sternly, "You can't do that, Heero. We have to talk about it, now."
"No," Heero replied and cautiously moved back to his place in the bed, pulling the blankets up around himself. Soda watched him warily, still growling, but Duo calmed him and the noise slowly ceased. As he watched Heero turn a shoulder to him, he wished it was that simple to calm Heero.
Heero had never been open about his past, especially about some aspects of the war. He didn't often have nightmares, though, and it was telling about how upset he was about his condition that he would suddenly have one now.
The nightmare had put Duo on edge. He had his own past to deal with and it was a nervous, frightened thing within him. It didn't like Heero being weak and it certainly didn't like Heero having nightmares. He forced himself to move close to Heero, but he also allowed Soda to stay on the bed and he didn't object when the dog curled up very close to him, big, brown eyes watching Heero.
"Heero," Duo ventured after long moments of silence. "It will be all right."
"I want to believe that," Heero said in a small voice. "I'm sorry if I frightened you. I should go sleep downstairs now or you won't get any rest at all."
"I'm not working in the morning," Duo reminded him. "Don't worry about me."
Heero turned over. He didn't try and touch Duo. Duo was the one to reach out and clasp his hand. Heero brought it to his lips and kissed it lightly. He refused to say anything more and Duo didn't remind him about dinner. Duo didn't think that either of them were hungry. It took a long while for Heero to fall asleep again.
Duo watched Heero, but he slipped out of bed as soon as he was sure that his motions wouldn't disturb him. Going downstairs, he paced and tried to bring his own mind to order. He couldn't let Heero unbalance him. He had to be in control of himself. Heero didn't need to deal with his problems on top of his own. The last thing they needed was for Duo to panic while Heero was panicking. Two trained killers out of control, could be incredibly deadly.
Duo finally calmed enough to try and sleep on the couch, but after waking up with vague, distorted images of men reaching out for him, a child Duo, he gave up completely. He decided, instead, to spend the rest of the night thinking about Heero and what could be done to make things easier for him. When morning light filtered through the curtains, Duo had decided that, though he was an expert when it came to his own mental problems, he wasn't certain that he could handle Heero's far different ones. He didn't know how Heero was going to react, but he was determined to suggest that they look for a competant mental therapist.
Soda perked up ears and his tail wagged. Harri had arrived. Duo felt a sense of relief as he went to answer the door. It was hard for him to admitt to not being able to single handedly deal with their problems, but he swallowed his pride and told himself not to be a fool. Heero needed more than one , half crazy, ex Gundam pilot to heal him. Harri had been a perfect companion while Heero had been in the hospital, descrete and very intuitive about Duo's moods. He knew almost instinctively how to tread the mental landmines that surrounded Duo. A man like Harri was just who Heero needed to care for him while Duo was at work, he thought.
Harri smiled pleasantly when Duo opened the door. "Good morning, sir."
"Good morning, Harri," Duo returned and couldn't keep the strain out
of his voice.
Harri looked suddenly guarded, his eyes taking in Duo's blood shot eyes and his bedraggled person. "Should I come back another time, sir?"
"No," Duo assured him hurriedly. "Come right in. Heero's home now and I need you to make breakfast for us."
"All right, sir," Harri replied. He was still wary and he moved around Duo as if there were a two foot danger zone that had to be avoided at all costs. He still sported a bruised cheek where Duo had hit him when he had accidentally startled Duo some days ago. "Shall I clean as well?"
"Not today," Duo replied as he followed Harri to the kitchen. "Heero needs to relax and not have any disturbances, well, except for breakfast."
"Very good, sir," Harri replied. "Anything in particular that you wish to eat?"
"Heero loves those little muffins with rice, half cooked eggs, and fish." Duo made a face. "Why, I don't know. I'll have coffee."
"And?" Harri prompted with an arched eyebrow as they entered the kitchen and he began pulling out food from the refrigerator.
"Just coffee," Duo repeated.
Harri had his head in the refrigerator as he found the eggs and took them out, repeating himself as he reammerged, "And what else, sir?"
"Coff-," Duo began to say once more and then sighed in exasperation. "Okay, okay! Uhm, toast, eggs, and ... whatever meat's in there.... anything, but fish."
Harri smiled almost smugly, "Very good, sir." He handed Duo his pills and Duo didn't miss a hint of anxiousness in the action. He wasn't sure of Duo's mood and he was only too happy to help improve it.
Duo smiled tightly and popped his antidepressants, pouring himself some water to help them go down. "I'll go back upstairs and warn Heero you're here."
"I would appreciate that, sir," Harri replied. "I'll let in Mr. Hulitt when he arrives to care for the dogs. Shall I let Soda out into the backyard?"
Duo almost said no, but he hated the anxious feeling behind it. He forced himself to nod. "Yes, let him out. Thanks."
"You're welcome, sir," Harri replied as he began cooking eggs.
Duo left the kitchen then and headed for the stairs, his regaining of some control over himself making him more confident that he could face Heero again and help him without his doubts and tension getting in the way.
Heero appeared at the top of the stairs, surprisingly, dressed in green shorts and a white tshirt. His hair was mussed and he looked tired and forlorn. He also looked smaller somehow, shrunk into himself by his fears about himself. Duo climbed the stairs and reached for his hand. Heero tentatively took it.
"Harri's here," Duo warned and then smiled. "He's making your favorite."
Heero smiled softly. His grip tightened on Duo's hand. "You're my favorite," he replied.
"Food, idiot," Duo said with a mock growl and the night was suddenly forgotten as he saw Heero visably relax. "He's making you that fish, egg thing that you like so much."
"And for you?" Heero asked and there was suddenly a concerned, over protective tone in his voice. Duo almost felt like crying, relieved to hear some of the old Heero returning.
"He's making me something, too," Duo assured him with a grimace.
"Good. Something besides black coffee, I hope?" Heero pressed.
"YES!" Duo retorted. "He's worse than you when it comes to feeding me," Duo growled sourly. "I think I gained fifty pounds since you've been in the hospital."
Heero looked over Duo's thin frame. "You need it."
"Great!" Duo groused. "Tag team Heero and Harri. Mission:Feed Duo until he explodes."
Heero laughed and it was the sweetest sound that Duo had heard in far too long. To hear that again, to see Heero smile and look happy, he would have eaten anything, even Heero's fish and egg breakfast.