Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of them.
Warnings: Male/Male sex, graphic, language, violence,past NCS.
Tell Me
"Sir wishes more eggs?" Harri asked as he busied himself over a griddle, back to the two men sitting at the kitchen table.
"Yes," Duo replied.
"You, sir, have had ENOUGH!" Harri told him. "I was speaking to Mr. Yuy."
Heero quirked an amused smile. "I see that you are familiar with Duo's eating habits."
Harri gave a long suffering sigh. "Either, Mr. Maxwell doesn't eat properly or he eats to the point of making himself ill. I discovered a proper meal plan for him, unfortunately, by trial and error."
Heero chuckled and Duo grinned at him. "I'm finding it amazing that Duo trusts you so implicitly," Heero said in wonderment.
Harri suddenly looked reserved as he emptied some fried eggs onto a plate. "Mr. Maxwell isn't any different from other 'sensitive' clients that I've had. When I am given certain parameters to my job, I am careful to stay within them."
"Sensitive," Duo sighed and gave Heero a rueful look. "He means 'crazy', of course."
Heero looked Harri over thoughtfully as the man began cleaning his frying pan in the sink. "Now that I'm home again, I'm sure we can reduce some of your duties, Harri."
"As you wish, sir," Harri responded promptly, "but Mr. Maxwell has asked me to care for you while he is working. If you wish to change that, please give me a detailed list of the duties that you expect of me, and you will find that I am very flexible."
Heero bristled. "Care for me?"
Harri's back stiffened. Duo came to his rescue. "I asked Harri if he would stay here during the day while I worked, in case you needed something or..."
"Forgot something important?" Heero growled. "I may have forgotten some things, Duo, but I hardly think that I am incapacitated!"
Duo looked down at his plate and poked at the leftover grease from his eggs with the tines of his fork. It made a small, 'tick, tick' sound. "Heero...," he said carefully, "You aren't completely well yet. You are still in therapy. There are still tests that have to be run. Something might happen. We can't know until the doctors clear you."
"Maybe I should get a dog, too," Heero growled nastily.
Duo started, feeling the sting of that. When Heero saw his face, he regretted his words instantly. He reached out and took hold of Duo's hand.
"Duo, love! I'm so sorry!" Heero apologized in a rush, his heart in his eyes. "I didn't mean... Damn! I'm just so frustrated. I want to punch something, make something pay for all of this, but it's all my fault!"
Duo frowned, still hurting. He stared down at their hands for a long moment and then he reached out and clasped Heero's hand in his own. "Don't hit me, Heero, even if it's just with words," he said, "because I hit back, okay? You know that and you know I can't help it anymore than you can help forgetting things. Stop getting pissed at what happened. It's done. It can't be changed. Start trying to get better, instead, and , if you can't, face up to it and deal with it. You'll have to learn, just like I did, that there's ways of coping with anything."
Heero took a deep, steadying, breath, forced himself to relax, and then admitted quietly, "I didn't think that I would be the kind of person that would whine... that couldn't cope. I've been hurt before. I spent months in bed after... after self destructing."
Duo tightened his grip, trying to be firm, but giving Heero some sympathy as well. "I bet you never doubted that you would get well, then, did you?"
Heero thought about that. "No," he replied at last.
"Well," Duo pulled Heero's hand up and kissed it fiercely. "You are the strongest man that I know and the most disciplined. You know, as well as I, that wallowing in fears and self pity, trying to blame and destroy what you have because you're angry, is stupid and counter productive. We're soldiers. Life is one big, endless battlefield. We get hurt, we pick our asses up, and finish the mission anyway, right?"
Heero managed a tight smile. The pain was leaving his eyes and being replaced by dark humor as he replied, "Right."
"Heero Yuy is all about finishing missions," Duo continued.
"Yes," Heero replied more strongly.
"All right." Duo grinned and patted Heero on the cheek before he stood up with his plate. "Now, that's settled, I'm sneaking more eggs before Harri comes back."
It was then that Heero noticed that the housekeeper was missing from the kitchen. "Discrete, isn't he?" Heero observed.
Duo shot an amused look over his shoulder as he plopped three eggs onto his plate. "You'll find out he's tough as nails too."
Heero thought about that and then sighed and conceded by saying, "I guess, I will. I better give him my list of expectations if he's going to be my nursemaid."
Duo knew how much of a concession that was for Heero to make. "It would make me worry less," he said, trying to make it seem as if it were all about doing him a favor and not about Heero's possible weakness. "If I'm worrying about you when I should be worrying about the bad guys..."
Heero nodded as he speared an egg from Duo's plate with his fork. Duo frowned, but he clearly throttled a stronger reaction to having his food stolen. Soda moved anxiously sensing the moment and then relaxed when he felt it pass. Duo watched Heero eat his food tensely, but replied calmly when Heero asked, "So, why don't you go to work today?"
"This is your fist day back from the hospital," Duo told him firmly. "I want to be here, okay?"
Heero smiled. "All right."
"If you try and eat my eggs again, we're going to have a fight, though," Duo told him as Heero's fork quested back towards another egg. Heero paused and looked at Duo in shock as he withdrew his fork.
"I forgot... Why would I forget something like that?" The pain and confusion on Heero's face made Duo's heart constrict. "I know how you are about food...."
"Heero!" Duo said quickly to stop Heero's reaction before it could escalate. "You didn't forget! You just weren't thinking about it. There's a difference. I've come a long way since the war. I don't try and knife people when they try and share my food any more, okay?"
Heero didn't look comforted. He looked even more upset. "That-That's what I forgot," he mumbled and then dropped his fork and stood up. He rubbed hands over his face and let out a groan. "I didn't forget to be careful about taking your food, I forgot that you wouldn't try and kill me for it, just like I forgot that it was all right to sleep with you!
"Heero, you can't expect to recover just like that! Give it time!" Duo urged.
Heero shook his head sharply without replying and walked out of the kitchen. Duo didn't follow. Instead, he sat back in his chair and sighed darkly, knowing that Heero needed some space to get himself back together.
"Why did this happen at all?" Duo muttered to himself. "If you can remember anything, remember that."
Harri came back into the kitchen cautiously, saw Duo's mood, and went about his business cleaning up. "Would you like me to leave after cleaning the dishes, sir?"
"I think so," Duo sighed and turned his head to stare out of the kitchen window at the bright sunlight. He could see Hulitt in the kennel, taking care of the dogs. The man loved them, Duo thought, and he enjoyed spending time with them. Duo was glad about that. Heero needed his help and he couldn't divide his attention between that duty and taking care of his pets. "You know, Harri," he remarked thoughtfully. "It wasn't too long ago when I would have pulled a gun on anyone even going into the yard like Mr. Hulitt is doing, let alone let someone like you putter around my kitchen." Without watching his every move, Duo added to himself silently and wondered at his improvement.
"Then there's hope for Mr. Yuy, sir," Harri replied without turning, his hands busily washing plates.
"I watched him almost die and then go on a mission a week later," Duo said quietly. "He heals incredibly fast... sometimes, I wonder what they did to him to make him that way. He's not like everyone else. He... he's not used to having an injury that he can't handle." Duo looked at Harri then. "He may not be the most pleasant person to work for because of that. Stay out of his way, okay?"
Harri nodded and Duo could see that he was smiling as he turned to put a plate on a drying rack. "I think," Harri said, his tone cautious, as if he wasn't sure that Duo would appreciate his comment, "That you have already trained me sufficiently by serving you, sir."
Duo laughed and it felt good. He stood and stretched and then went by Harri to reach the back door, intending to say something to Mr. Hulitt. He tried to take a last egg as he passed and Harri expertly took the plate away before he could touch it without saying a word, acting as if he were totally unaware of Duo's attempt to take it.
Duo laughed again. "I think you're going to be more than a match for
Heero," Duo replied ruefully.
-----------------------
"Harri isn't here," Duo growled worriedly as he pulled his borrowed
car into the driveway of their house. Harri's car was conspicuously missing.
"Heero!" Duo growled even angrier and scrambled to get out of the
car and release Soda from his seat restraint as quickly as possible. The dog
was alert to his mood, ears cocked forward and looking at Duo expectantly as
he sprinted at Duo's side for the front door.
Duo left the front door open as he quickly went through the house calling Heero's name. When Heero came from the kitchen , stirring a cup of tea and looking tired, Duo stopped and glared.
"You promised to have Harri here while I was at work! What happened?" Duo demanded.
Heero sighed as if he had been preparing for Duo's displeasure for some time. "Harri had a family emergency. There was only a few hours until you came home, so I let him go."
"What if something had happened?" Duo demanded. "You should have called me at the office!"
"I had Mr. Hulitt check in," Heero replied stiffly as if that revelation was very embarrassing to him.
Duo stopped his tirade then, seeing how Heero was feeling. He took a steadying breath. "I'm sorry, Heero. I worry, that's all. We 're not sure just how badly you're hurt."
"Yes, we do," Heero said as he stared into the depths of his steaming tea cup. "The doctor called and said that I was healing and that he couldn't see any damage that could cause me mental difficulties in the future. He told me that healing was now up to me and that he couldn't improve on my memory. He said... he told me that some things I might never remember again."
Duo moved to put an arm around Heero and hugged him hard. He steered Heero to the couch and made him sit down, Soda settling at their feet. "Heero," he said earnestly, looking into Heero's eyes. "It doesn't matter to me if you-"
"It matters to me!" Heero snarled and put his tea cup down hard on the coffee table in front of them. The hot tea sloshed out and began a slow trickle towards the edge of the table. Heero glared at it as if he were completely absorbed by it's progress. He repeated shakily. "It matters... to me."
Duo frowned, thinking, and then said carefully, "I think you need some reassurance that you haven't forgotten IMPORTANT things, that you aren't still forgetting things, am I right?"
Heero considered it and then nodded stiffly, jaw working. "I can't do my job as an agent if... if I can't remember facts."
"What did you eat this morning?" Duo asked.
"Rice cereal and toast," Heero replied promptly.
"Yesterday?"
"Eggs," Heero replied and he relaxed ever so slightly.
"The day before?" Heero paused, struggled, and then looked even more relieved, "Rice cereal and toast."
"Mmm, mmm," Duo replied mockingly and made a face. "See, you can remember, even though rice cereal is something I'd like to forget."
"That isn't important though," Heero replied, not letting go and believing just yet.
"Okay," Duo said as he took a deep breath and then slowly let it out. He knew the next questions he asked weren't going to be so easy. "What happened after the war, when we were at that celebration party?"
Duo didn't let his face give Heero a clue. When Heero gently touched the scar and he saw the awful memory of his attempted suicide etched on Heero's face, Duo knew that Heero hadn't forgotten any of the details.
"You...," Heero swallowed hard and then continued with difficulty. "You were having problems and I... I was too wrapped up in being happy, in celebrating the new peace, in thinking about our new life together, to notice. You were finding it impossible to have anyone near you, in dealing with the loud party, and you had several 'incidences' with the other guests. You thought... You thought that you were too crazy to live without a war to fight, that you were too violent, that you were only good for killing... You thought that I would be better off without you. I came out onto the balcony just as you were putting your gun up to shoot yourself. Luckily, you were very drunk, too drunk to move faster than me. I knocked the gun aside, barely in time. You bled... a lot. I almost thought that I had been too late...."
Heero put a hand to his face as if he wanted to hide his emotions. Duo took hold of his hand and kissed it fiercely. "I was crazy, crazy to think that we shouldn't be together, that I couldn't get through my problems, that life wasn't worth every effort, every pain, every setback. "
"You committed yourself and you refused to see me more than a few times during an entire year," Heero said, still lost in the nightmare. "Life was empty without you."
"I called you and begged you to come get me one night," Duo told him. "Do you remember that?" Heero nodded. "You didn't. You knew that I was where I needed to be. If you had seen me... If you had known then, what they had to do to 'desensitize me' to make me learn to deal with my fears, you wouldn't have left me there. That's why I chose not to let you visit except when I was feeling better."
Heero leaned back against a pillow and gently pulled Duo against him and Duo rested there in the loose circle of Heero's arms. "Earlier than that. Ask me questions," Heero prompted.
Duo did just that, picking through their lives. Heero's memory lapsed at odd places, but it wasn't until Duo touched on a particular sensitive memory that he understood that some of it wasn't so much the damage done to Heero's mind, but a conscious unwillingness to remember some of the worst times of the war. After a few frustrating bouts, Duo decided to move forward and to seriously question Heero's recent memory. They found many more holes.
"What floor is your office on?" Duo asked.
Heero blinked and couldn't answer.
"Procedure for detaining an underage suspect?" Duo asked. When Heero
rattled it off perfectly, Duo smiled, but the smile didn't stay when Heero couldn't
answer a few other procedure questions.
"Enough," Heero said at last , sounding bitter. "Maybe I should go through training again?" He stood up and paced, face dark and hands clenching and unclenching.
Duo stuck his neck out, knowing that his head might get bit off, as he replied, "Maybe... maybe that isn't such a bad idea? A refresher course, I mean, not full training," he added quickly when Heero whirled on him with an angry scowl. "You'll breeze through it, I'm sure, and then you can go back to work with a lot more confidence."
"And if I can't remember it after the course?" Heero wondered.
"Then you can't and we see what you CAN do," Duo snapped back and stood as well, confronting Heero angrily. "I keep trying to tell you that I didn't give up, that I thought that what we have is more important than anything else. If you don't feel the same way, if you're going to give up, just curl up and die because you think being a bad ass Preventer agent is all there is to life, then you aren't the man that I thought you were and I guess what we have doesn't count for anything!"
Heero was frozen, looking at Duo. He blinked slowly and then came into Duo's arms and held him tightly. Duo staggered slightly under the assault and quelled a dozen negative responses within himself to hold Heero back.
"Sorry," Heero muttered hoarsely and Duo knew that he was crying. "I don't like feeling helpless."
Duo firmly replied. "You're not helpless, Heero, and I'm going to prove it to you."