Part Eighty-Seven: Strange Days V
Heero?
Where are you?
It's dark...
I'm... scared...
[Hey, now... Just relax; not gonna hurt you...]
[Fuck, just look at that hair...]
[Oh, yeah... We'll just take our time, won't we, beautiful...]
Heero?
~ Heero doesn't call me that... ~
But...
~ Heero calls me angel... ~
~ Calls me baby... ~
But... who...?
~ Don't... know... .~
Why?
~ Don't know... ~
[Damn... I need to broaden my horizons...]
[Never expected that slut to bring something like this...]
[Good riddance to her...]
Oh!
No...
Hurts...
Stop...
No... hurts...
Hurts!
~ Get away. ~
Can't.
~ *Get away.* ~
*Can't*.
Help me...
~ Trying... ~
[Oh fuck yeah!]
[C'mon beautiful...]
[C'mon...]
[Goddamn you're tight!]
*Heero!*
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A scream shook the room. Heero jerked awake, already on his feet and moving toward the bed, before much more than registering that Duo needed him.
"Duo! Angel, it's all right! I'm here; I'm here, baby..."
He swept the Banshee up into his arms, wrapping him close. "I'm here, I'm here," he crooned softly. "It's just a dream; you're safe, Duo; it's all over."
Fingers, hands scrabbled weakly at his shoulders. "...nononono..." The gasping moan trailed away, leaving only hitching sobs behind.
Heero sighed heavily, rocking Duo gently as he stroked his hair. "It's all gone, baby; you're safe with me. No one's ever going to hurt you again."
Duo cried softly for several minutes before beginning to move in Heero's arms.
"...lemme go..." he begged, and Heero relaxed his grip on the fragile creature, though not releasing him entirely.
He couldn't just let go; not after that awakening, but he was mindful of the doctor's warning that Duo would probably be... conflicted for a while, and that he shouldn't try to force anything.
"I'm here, baby; it was just a bad dream," he murmured as Duo struggled to put space between them.
"...oh..." He pulled back to blink owlishly at the Wyvern. "Heero..." His focus sharpened all at once. "Where were you?" he asked and his tone cut to Heero's heart.
Not where he should have been. Not there to protect his Chosen. Not there to destroy the monster that had raped his love. ~~Not there~~. He claimed to be a guardian, but he wasn't there. He'd failed to protect, to guard. He had failed to be a Wyvern.
He hung his head miserably. "I wasn't there... You needed me and I wasn't there..."
Duo stared at him, blinking in confusion. "I... I mean... now... You weren't here... I woke up and you were gone..." From bed, he meant.
Heero stared at him. "I was restless... I didn't want to disturb you... You were sleeping so well; you haven't been sleeping and finally you were... I was at the desk, going over reports... I thought you'd sleep better if I wasn't tossing and turning... I... I dozed off at the desk. You had a nightmare..."
"I did?"
"You screamed."
"I... did...?" He couldn't remember a thing, beyond waking up and finding himself alone. What the hell? "Heero...?" he said in a very small voice.
The Wyvern slipped his arm around Duo's shoulders, being careful not to seem too possessive. "Yes, angel?"
"Am I ever going to get over this? Are... are we ever going to be the same again...?" He looked and sounded small and exhausted; his eyes red-rimmed and deeply shadowed.
"Yes!" replied Heero fiercely. "You will recover!" He hesitated, thinking about how to phrase his next thought. "We will never be the same again, my love, but we will be better; I promise that."
Duo regarded him silently, looking for any sign of a polite lie. "I'm so tired of being so screwed up..." he whispered and leaned into Heero's embrace.
"You're not screwed up; you're just... recovering..." Well, dammit; that came out lame.
Duo seemed to accept it, though. He sighed softly and relaxed against the Wyvern.
"I want to go back to work..." he said softly.
"Already?" It came out a little more startled than Heero intended. He had expected that Duo would stay in his room for at least another week. He needed to get his feet back under him, not be rushing around dealing with the details of work.
"I'm bored out of my mind... maybe if I can get back to my routine, I can get this behind me sooner."
"Only if Mistress Loquinn and Dr French say it's all right."
Duo looked up at him, wide-eyed. "I need a note from a doctor?" he asked incredulously. "Heero..."
"I won't be able to stop worrying unless they clear you."
Braced for a fight, he was somewhat surprised when Duo gave in easily.
"I don't want to worry you any more... You won't hover if they say I'm okay?"
"Well..." Why did he have to put it that way? "I'll try very hard not to become annoying in my hovering."
Duo chuckled thinly. "That's the best I can hope for, I suppose?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Guess I'll have to take it then."
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Our Banshee is in the office again today. I could hardly believe it when he showed up two days ago with Heero; I was all ready to rip Heero a new one for dragging the bedraggled creature here, when Duo explained that he was just sick of his room and he wanted to get back to work. He did not even argue when Heero took him home after only a few hours. He tires easily; Heero says that Mistress Loquinn and Dr French see that as perfectly normal. It will get better in a few days.
There is no question of him going out on assignments yet, and smart creature that he is, he hasn't asked to. He's at his desk instead, slogging gamely through the paperwork that has filled his 'in' box. He has moments of shakiness and is occasionally unsteady on his feet, but he's doing his job. Sometimes loud noises startle him; if someone comes up to him too silently, he will flinch when they speak, but none of that is obvious. You would have to know him well for those minute twitches to register as wrong.
Everyone in the office is hovering over him, though, ready to jump if he even looks like he needs assistance. We have not been told exactly what happened to our Banshee; Q and Heero have been furiously tight-lipped and the Weres just glare and ignore any questions of that nature. I have my own suspicions, but the rest of us don't really need to know what happened to Duo; it is enough to know that *something* Very Bad happened to our Banshee. We are all on edge and looking for someone to disembowel.
I watch him get to his feet, wobbling just a bit, and gather his concentration to slowly cross the room to lay a bundle of parchments on Trowa's desk. Trowa very deliberately brings his massive paw under Duo's elbow, not touching him, but just hovering there, in case. And Duo, who would normally sneer at such a thing, turns a wan, grateful look the Puma's way.
He turns carefully to reverse course and I have a good view of the resolve in his eyes. It is by no means the usual bubbling confidence that we are accustomed to, but it is still determination. Whatever has happened, it has not beaten him. It may have shaken him or made him cautious, but he has not broken under it, and I do not believe he will. The Banshee, I am certain, will come back eventually, when the memories are not so fresh or immediate.
I have noticed that the Banshee seems more hesitant in the presence of the other males in the office. Earlier, before Heero left to deliver his own brand of doom and destruction to the freaky five, he went to Duo's desk, bending close to murmur in his ear, and Duo... flinched. Whether at Heero's words or his proximity, I don't know. He leaned into the Wyvern immediately, so it wasn't a conscious rejection.
For a few minutes after Heero left, Duo put his head down on his crossed arms and was absolutely still. Wufei and Trowa both stared at him; then Trowa uncurled from his chair to pad across the room and butt his head against Duo's arm. Duo turned his head and murmured something, and Trowa sat back on his hind legs and laid a front leg across his shoulders.
And then Wufei drifted purposefully across the room to settle on Duo's other side and rub his back for a full five minutes. When Duo sat up and gave both the Weres a hard hug, he looked much more himself; smiling brightly and snickering at something Trowa said. And the Weres drifted back to their desks. It's hard to read emotions on their non-human faces, but it seemed to me that they were both quite pleased with themselves and satisfied with Duo's recovery.
My imagination is trying to paint pictures without permission... I want so much to ask Duo; just cut through all of the secrecy, but Heero is in full Protective Dragon Mode, watching and glaring darkly at everyone who gets within ten feet of his Chosen.
What happened has affected Heero as much as Duo. I have not seen a smile or even a smirk from the Wyvern since that night. Anger smolders beneath everything he does now. Even with Duo he seems angry, as if he can't set it aside even when holding his Chosen. I think... I think it may be making it harder for Duo, that anger of Heero's. The Banshee almost seems to wilt under Heero's protective eye. As if under that powerful shield he loses all confidence in himself, because Heero has no confidence in him.
Heero is with Q at the moment, and damn well pissed at having to leave Duo, even for a few minutes. He is in all likelihood threatening to have the five wizards of R&D killed, cooked and served for dinner. A few weeks ago it was setting the moat on fire; this time it involves some sort of experiment with demon dung. These mishaps always seem to require Heero's immediate attention; not a good thing right now, given the Wyvern's current high-strung and hair-trigger edginess. I don't understand those five; it almost seems as if they deliberately create chaos. Like small children trying to attract a parent's attention.
Oh. Oh, dear. Perhaps... Perhaps they are...
The consequences of that thought roll around in my head, trying to make themselves at home for a moment or two, but that is not my jurisdiction. You couldn't pay me enough to babysit those lunatics. But... I'll mention it to Heero. If it should turn out to have any sort of legs, he may just tear them to pieces.
He is certainly not in the mood for anything so petty right now.
Duo reaches for his soda, only to find it empty. An instant later, Enrique is offering a fresh, unopened bottle to him with a graceful bow. Duo blushes, but accepts it gratefully with murmured thanks. I think it's time we had a refrigerator in the office. Going down to the dining hall to eat is one thing; having to run all that way for a drink is another entirely.
And Duo is certainly worth it.
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"Duo?"
I started and looked up at the sound of a familiar voice. "Q!" I haven't seen him since the day he and Dr French brought me the... news. This is a busy time of year for him, what with the equinox and all. I pushed away from the desk and started to stand, but he drifted to my side and stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. I sank back into my chair and he leaned over and gave me a gentle shoulder-hug.
"You are looking much better," he murmured.
Tiffany, Inazuma and Estaban drifted to the far side of the room every bit as gently as Q had arrived at my desk. Giving us privacy; gotta love 'em.
"I feel better just being up and around," I admitted. "I think I was starting to go stir-crazy in my room. And it's so much easier for Heero to hover when we're alone." I looked around for a loose chair, but Q perched on the edge of my desk.
"He is rather protective, isn't he?" he smirked.
I sighed. I... care a great deal for Heero, and it just melts my soul that he... that he loves me so much, but... I'm not made of glass. I survived pretty well on my own before and I can get through this now. Sure, I've never been so badly off balance before, but I'm getting back. Dr French explained some stuff to me that explains why I'm still so wobbly – she called it "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." I guess my mind is still on high alert; it doesn't want to get caught off-guard again or something. All that matters to me is when will it end? She couldn't give me an answer on that one. It could take years of therapy and still not be completely gone; pragmatically speaking, she says it would probably be easier just to work around it. Just something to deal with. I'll probably have 'moments' for quite a while, she says, but I can learn to recognize when I'm feeling uncomfortable and talk myself down from it. She suggested therapy, but I don't see much point in going over and over the betrayal and the assault; talking it to death isn't going to help me understand it any better. She was nice about it; didn't try to insist or change my mind. She did say that I can call her any time if I have questions or just feel like talking. I might take her up on that; she seems like a cool person.
And that brings me back to my over-protective Wyvern... He's in and out of the office, as usual, but he sure doesn't like it right now. To be honest, he makes me a little nervous when he's here. He glares at everyone; he hasn't smiled in front of anyone but me in days. Inazuma told me that he used to be like that before I came; strict, cold and a work-a-holic. He's downstairs, probably drawing and quartering the Wacky Wizards....
That thought made me sigh again. "He's not boiling anyone in oil, is he?" I asked without thinking.
Q gave me a quizzically arched brow. "Oh, you mean Heero. No, as far as I know he's just threatening them." He waved his hand, dismissing the possibility that Heero's threats could be pretty dangerous. "He's actually rather fond of the old farts." I blinked; *Q* said 'farts'?
"But I came to talk to you, Duo. We need to do something about this ability of yours."
I blinked again, but it didn't make things any clearer. "My... ability?"
"We can call it the exploding toad trick, for now. I was obviously quite wrong last year to have dismissed it as a fluke." I stared at him. Do something... Damn... The last time someone 'did something' about my abilities, I was cast out of my Clan.
What I'd done... It wasn't just a random once-in-a-lifetime thing...? Stupid! Of course it wasn't! I'd done it three times now and damn near killed one of my best friends. Damn... Was *this* what my Clan had been afraid of? Was *this* the thing they called the 'Deathscythe'?
I swallowed, feeling cold from my hair to my toes. Oh, shit... Was I about to be cast out again...? Oh, *shit*... I think I began to shake.
Q's hand fell on my shoulder and I looked up, waiting for the words.
"Since it seems to be a predominantly explosive talent," he said thoughtfully, "I would like you to begin working with Madame Collier. She's the combat instructor at the school. I've spoken to her and she's looking forward to meeting you."
O~kay....
That was unexpected.
"You... you mean, I can stay?" I just wanted to be sure; sometimes I misunderstand things.
Q blinked at *me*. "Stay? Of course, you're staying. Where else would you be?" He looked as confused as I felt, though in a much cooler way.
"Um... I thought... I mean... I killed... him... I hurt Wufei... Why would you want me here...?"
He stared at me. "Duo..." he breathed. "We love you; you are part of our family." He smirked then. "You are an integral part of the Clan of the Almighty Q," he said slyly. "We're not letting you go without a fight." And he swooped down and hugged me firmly for a full minute.
I was so relieved; I thought I was going to cry. They weren't going to kick me out! I wasn't expendable... I wasn't... defective...?
"Q... Why?"
"Because it's just another talent, Duo; we all have them. You just need to learn how to control it."
"You mean I can?" I said hopefully. I really thought it was like lightning; out of my control and a danger to anyone around me.
"Well, of course you can. You're a very bright Banshee. You can start day after tomorrow. Madame Collier has a free period right after lunch. She'll be expecting you."
"O-okay..." Wow... Learn to control it? Maybe even make it useful? Double wow...
"Duo! Are you all right?"
I jumped as Heero swept into the room, scowling.
"He's fine, Heero," said Q gently. "We were just discussing his new training."
"He can't start that now; he's still recovering!" Heero growled. I held up my hand and opened my mouth, but he brushed me aside. "He's only on half-days; he hasn't the strength to be dealing with that yet."
"Um... Hello? I'm sitting right here, Heero."
""You're not in any condition to be running around, messing with things you can't control!"
Okay; that did it.
I surged up out of my chair, ignoring the dizziness that threatened to send me sideways. "Don't you *dare* start that with me, Yuy! You are not my fucking mother! You *do not* tell me what to do, goddammit! I'm the one who fucking killed a man! I *don't* want to do it again! I am going, and I'm going to get it under control, and you can just *back the hell off*!" I was right in his face, my nose less than an inch from his. He opened his mouth. I narrowed my eyes and glared for all I was worth. He closed his mouth with a snap. He took a step back.
"Yes, angel," he whispered. "You're right."
I blinked; staggered, and Q grabbed my arm. Heero reached out, but Q waved him back.
"I am?" I squeaked. Cleared my throat; tried again. "You mean you aren't going to argue anymore?"
He looked at me, then at Q and back to me again. "I... guess not. You're... right. You do need to be trained. And obviously, soon would be... prudent."
It was like someone was dragging the words out of him. I glanced at Q suspiciously. "You're not... helping, are you?" He's a powerful Wizard; he could put words in someone's mouth if he wanted to.
He chuckled. "There's no need, Duo. Heero's no more a fool than you are."
I looked back at my scary Dragon lover. "Well. Okay then. I'm glad that's settled." I grabbed the arm of my chair and lowered myself into it. "You know, I think I should probably call it a day. I'm just a little dizzy..."
Heero made a noise – sort of a cross between a snort and a snicker – and scooped me out of the chair. "Thank you for admitting that," he grumbled.
My head was really spinning now. "Seemed like a good idea; give a little, get a little."
"An excellent idea, Duo," grinned the Wizard. He patted my arm. "You'll do fine; start slow and small, it'll all work out."
Nice to know someone has confidence in me.
I looked up at Heero. "You think I can do it?" It would be nice if he did.
He chewed at his lower lip for a moment. "Yes," he said finally. "I think you can. I just... don't want you to wear yourself out."
There it was, naked in his blue eyes. Fear for me. Worry. I couldn't add to that, now could I?
"I promise I'll take it slow. Maybe you can even come with sometimes." He opened his mouth, probably to say he would come with every time, but I cut him off. "Let me embarrass myself in private, at least at first; okay, Yuy?"
He sighed. "All right."
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The hour is late and he has finally succumbed to sleep. I have these few moments before I sleep as well to touch and caress him without triggering a flinch or a startled gasp. I am rubbing gently at that lovely spot just above his tailbone, smoothing my fingers over the fine hair and velvety skin.
The body is often amazing in its responses; its cells and nerves carry memories far longer than even the mind. Once it was determined that the drug was no longer in him, Mistress Loquinn immediately attacked the residual pain and accelerated the body's own healing. All physical damage has been repaired. Dr French has come and examined him again to be certain that nothing was missed. The two healers have guaranteed to us and to Q that everything is now perfect.
There are apparently no potions or charms, however, to relieve the memories of nerves and cells still expecting pain and abuse. Apparently, no one has ever considered such a thing necessary, or even possible. We have requested – well, in my case it was an order – the Wizards in R&D find time to work on creating such a thing. It will not be of help to my angel, but it will surely benefit someone in the future.
He has not rejected my embrace or turned away from my kisses, but if I come up behind him or catch him drowsing he still startles. I refuse to take it personally; it has been only days, after all; as soon as he recognizes, by scent or touch, that it is me, he relaxes, but it is a constant reminder to both of us that he was however briefly possessed by another. Another who had no permission and no right to do such a thing.
For me it is a constant reminder of my failure. It is different from the other time, in Indianapolis. Angry as I was over that, he was not then my Chosen; he was not mine to protect, though that is a fine line. I have the same protective feeling toward all my close friends, including, though I will never say it to him, Chang Wufei. I am a guardian; it is what I am, what I do. Anyone who touches my heart and to a lesser degree, my territory, is mine to protect. The episode in Indianapolis frustrated me because Duo claimed no injury. He barely acknowledged that anything even happened. He seemed determined to believe that because he was not injured, other than being knocked out, there was nothing to be concerned about. He appears to have even forgotten the whole incident. I have not. If circumstances ever allow me to find the person responsible for that attack, I will not be particularly forgiving. I do not accept failure as inevitable.
In the past days, Duo has had no problems being held or kissed by me, but as we both feared, anything further is... difficult. Certain words, certain touches make him tense and afraid and there is no backing up and trying again when that happens. He is frustrated at being unable to let it go. I am frustrated at being unable to take it away for him. He has said more than once that I should... just continue, not stop when he goes suddenly still or begins to hyperventilate. He wants so desperately to get past that final barrier. He is willing to ride the fear and the possible pain just to return to what he sees as normal.
I am a guardian. I am a Wyvern. We are not a perfect race; I am sure that there have been dishonorable Wyverns who would have no compunction against doing as he asks. I am also sure that any such Wyverns, if discovered, would have been severely dealt with by their IchiBan or other Clan members. Such behavior is not tolerated amongst my kind. I am comfortably sure that most of my kin would find even the suggestion of such an insult.
...but... he is my Chosen... He needs me, he wants me. He has more than once dissolved into angry frustrated tears at his inability to control his body's reactions. And that only frustrates him more. It is becoming an ugly cycle for something that should be nothing but pleasure and joy.
Q has told us that we must be patient; time heals or at least dulls all wounds, he says, and it will dull or erase this wound as well. But my Banshee is not patient. He is not used to caution and hesitation. His methods more often involve gathering as much information as he can and then just flinging himself at a problem. When the problem is himself and his own mind, though...
I rub his shoulders, his back, smoothing my palm over the small of his back and down to lightly cup his butt. He draws a deep breath and lets it out as a long sigh, moving a little, suggestively. At another moment in time, I would take that as an invitation; now I dare not.
Instead, I edge closer to curl around him, letting my hand move to his waist, my leg hooking over his reassuringly. His hair is loose and all over the bed. I've moved it out of my way so I don't lay on it and waken him. Now I gather a handful to bring it to my face, breathing deeply of the scent of his shampoo mixed with his pheromones.
He fears that I will leave him if we cannot resume a sexual relationship. He doesn't say this to me, but it is clear in his actions, in his rising level of anxiety. I have told him I will never leave him; he is my Chosen. That is not just a cute word to me; Wyverns do not Choose lightly. Many Wyverns never meet someone they wish to Choose. This is why we are required to produce children for the health of the Clan. My grandmother has never in all her years Chosen.
I love him, I need him. I want him more than any creature I have ever met, but the physical desire is but a part of that. He is light and charm and bounce; a leaping, bounding, fluttering rainbow of emotion. He opens up my soul and lets the light in, lets me feel that rainbow. How could I ever wish to be rid of that? When I tell him that, he sighs, and leans into me almost sadly and I can feel him wondering how long I will now put up with him being so... dull. It frustrates me, not being able to convince him, but I haven't the power of words, only actions, and that is what I must use.
I make sure to touch him often, in our rooms and in the office. When we go out, I hold his hand or lay my arm around his shoulders. Sometimes he twitches at the first feel of me, and casts me apologetic looks, but he always relaxes into my touch, so I know that what we have has not been irretrievably broken. I take that as a sign of being on the right track; a sign that we will conquer this. I have never shied from touching him; I love the soft cool feel of him. I love the sizzle of his pheromones on my nerves. I love the way his body would yearn toward me without thought and I will have that back. If it takes therapy, if it takes years, I will have my Chosen back. We will banish this nightmare together. He will be whole and happy again.
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Well. We had an interesting 'moment' today. For a minute or two, I thought Wufei was going to disembowel someone. For a minute, I wanted to help him...
Trowa's cousin, Rowdy, is visiting for a few days. Trowa brought him to the office to introduce him to us. Apparently, the Were is considering moving to the town. He's alleged to be a very good mechanic.
What he is not, is observant.
Trowa introduced Rowdy to me and Moira and took him over to meet Duo. Between that introduction and the acknowledgement from Duo, Enrique called to Trowa with a question and Trowa went to help him.
Rowdy flashed a delightfully crooked grin Duo's direction and leaned in on the Banshee, purring huskily, "Trowa talks about you all the time, but he never mentioned how flat-out gorgeous you are." And he took a step towards the decidedly wide-eyed and nonplused Banshee. Duo backed against the files with a gasp; I could see him starting to panic. The psychological fallout of the incident still fresh in everyone's minds is still very much with that youngster; he does not take kindly to being cornered.
Before he could react, though, the snarl of a very pissed-off Dragon telegraphed that same Dragon's flying leap across the room. Wufei landed bodily on Rowdy's back, slamming him into the file cabinets a foot from where Duo had frozen.
"Don't you even *think* about pulling that shit with him!" Wufei roared. "I'll chop you up and feed you to the wombats, you furry pervert!"
By that time, Trowa had started toward them, looking indignant. The indignant look vanished as Duo slowly slid down to the floor, glassy-eyed and hyperventilating. Trowa adjusted his trajectory and rushed to the stunned Banshee.
It sounds like an awfully long time, I know, but really it was only a matter of seconds. And I was out of my chair and across the room almost as fast as Wufei. I grabbed Wufei's collar and pulled him off Rowdy, then grabbed Rowdy.
"Trowa! Take this!" And I slung Rowdy at him. Wufei stumbled over a chair and ended up sitting on the floor in front of Duo. He took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Duo's shoulders.
"It's okay, Duo!" he cried. "He's just an idiot; he didn't mean anything! It's all right."
Trowa caught Rowdy, nearly falling with the impact.
"Trowa, I'm sure we'll all enjoy your cousin's visit eventually, but right now, *get him the hell out of here before Heero comes back*!" That threat was all it took; our Were-Puma grabbed his confused cousin and headed for the stairs. I closed my eyes and concentrated, but felt no hint of impending doom, so I was reasonably sure that Heero was still at the school. That was all we *didn't* need; for Heero to walk in right now.
It has taken a couple of days for Duo to convince Heero that he didn't need to be at the Banshee's elbow every minute of the day; if he walked in right now and saw Duo like this, Duo would be lucky to be able to go to the bathroom alone.
Just now, Duo leaned against Wufei, letting the Were-Dragon pat his back and insist that there was nothing to be afraid of. The ashen tone of Duo's skin, if nothing else, let me know that he was recovering from a great fright. I made a decision then.
"Wufei, would you mind giving Duo and me a moment?" He didn't like it; he didn't want to let go, and it looked for a moment like he would tell me to get stuffed. His manners and innate good sense kicked in before he could make that error though.
"Duo? I'll be at my desk, okay?" The Banshee nodded shakily and Wufei left us.
I took Duo's hands and pulled him to his feet and over to my desk. I have a half-assed partition that gives the illusion of privacy, since I am often on the phone or the fire. It doesn't do much to actually screen voices, but everyone else had moved as far from my area as politely possible, without actually leaving the room.
I parked Duo on the edge of my desk and sat down to look up at him; I didn't want him to feel I was looming.
"Duo, I won't ask what's going on; it's none of my business, but I will say that if you ever want to talk, about anything, I will listen. And I will not give advice unless you ask for it," I smiled. He returned the smile wanly.
"Thanks... Sorry about that," he murmured with a twitch of his shoulder. "I... Um... He startled me."
"That's all right, Duo; not your fault. As you say, he startled you. Do you want to go home?"
His head jerked up. "No! I'm okay! I can- I-" He hesitated and seemed to wilt before me. "I guess maybe I should," he muttered with a sigh.
I took a guess. "Heero made you promise, didn't he?"
"Yeah... If I feel the least bit stressed, I have to go home. At least for this week," he sighed.
"Wufei can walk you back; get an early lunch. And Banshee? My offer stands; anytime, about anything or nothing."
"Okay. Thanks, Tiffany." He reached out and gave me a hug before easing back to his desk to gather his things.
"Wufei. Walk Duo home, please. And feed him along the way."
The grumpy dragon lit up like a neon sign and bounced to his feet in a good imitation of Duo.
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"I'm sorry that fool upset you," said Wufei after a few minutes. "He's just an idiot; he didn't mean anything... Well, anything beyond his own urges."
Duo looked over at him. "It just startled me... I don't know why it scared me..."
Wufei hesitated, but decided to go ahead. "You went through something terrible, Duo; it's only natural that you would be... skittish for a while. You don't trust anyone right now."
Duo said nothing for a bit, then; "I don't like being skittish; that's for horses. But it feels like someone else is directing me. Like there's someone else inside my head."
"That's the way I feel sometimes," Wufei murmured. "When I lose my temper. It's like I'm two different people. I don't want to hurt anyone – certainly not you! But everything else just dissolves and what's left is... rage."
Duo touched his arm. Wufei hadn't talked to anyone about his therapy, and Duo hadn't asked, because Wufei was so embarrassed at having to go in the first place. "So... It's helping? The therapy, I mean..."
"I... I think it might be," he admitted quietly. "I've figured out some of the things that set me off; the physician seems to find that a good sign. And I am learning the difference between anger and rage. I can be angry without being homicidal, apparently." He snorted in dark amusement. "If I couldn't, I probably would have shredded that idiot upstairs. But instead all I did was rattle the space between his ears." He caught the tiny smirk on Duo's lips. "Dragons know there's nothing *else* between those ears."
"Trowa's fond of him."
~ Trowa is fond of a lot of unworthy things ~ muttered a snide little voice in Wufei's head. ~ Not the least of which is you. ~
~ Well aware of that, thank you, ~ he snarled back.
"Well, that may just prove that there's no accounting for a cat's taste," he snorted to Duo. "Hey, would you like some real food?"
"As opposed to...?"
"That dining hall swill."
"But Tiffany expects you back..."
"After you've been fed and delivered safely to your rooms. She said nothing about where I should feed you."
"Chinese?"
"Pick-up Stix?"
"Yeah!"
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Obviously, neither of us was considering the possible ramifications of Duo's first trip into town after his abduction. I've already kicked myself around a few blocks for not seeing what being surrounded by Humans could mean for the Banshee.
Oh, he didn't freak out and start blowing people up right and left; it was much more heartbreaking than that. He just... endured. I didn't even see it at first; I was checking the menu and ordering. It wasn't until I turned around to hand him the drink cup that I saw how pale he'd gotten and how dark his eyes were, and I realised that we were standing in the middle of a Human restaurant only days after he had returned to work.
"Duo? I can have them box it to go; do you want to wait in the car?"
"No," he said hoarsely, obviously struggling. "I have to-to get past this! I'll be okay..."
He was staring at the group of people crowding around the drink machine.
"Here; you sit, and I'll get your drink." I led him to a booth where he could sit with his back to the wall and see the rest of the room. I *have* learned something after being around Heero all these years. And while standing at the drink machine, I realised that Duo was watching me intently. That rotten female had drugged his drink... I made sure to keep my movements broad and obvious. I didn't cover the cup, but brought a lid and the straw still in its paper. I didn't add sugar to his tea either; just brought a handful of packets.
"Thanks, Wufei," he murmured when I set the cup in front of him. "Sorry I'm being so..."
"Don't say it. Not your fault; *her* fault for being such a duplicitous rotten –"
"Fei. Don't. It just makes it... harder."
I just shut up and waited for our food, watching helplessly as my Bans-... my friend wrestled with the demons of his own mind.
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I closed my magazine and looked up as Duo stepped into the doorway. His hair was loose and he had on a pair of my lounging pants; the blue ones, I noted automatically.
I don't much care for these periods of enforced separation, but Duo insisted that he wouldn't get used to noises and movements if I was at his elbow every moment. He wanted to knit, he said; it relaxed him and gave him a chance to examine the inside of his own head, but he couldn't do it right now with me staring at him like I expected him to grow ears and a tail.
Reluctantly, I agreed to leave him alone for an hour every evening. I determined that I would also use the time for something useful, even if it did make me grind my teeth with worry.
But time was up and the Banshee was back. I tossed the magazine aside and smiled at my diffident lover.
"Heero... Would you help me with my hair?" he asked softly.
I snorted, already halfway to my Banshee. We don't shower together every day, but Duo would often ask for help with his massive mane of hair and I have certainly never said 'no' to that task. He smiled at me and ducked back into the bathroom to turn the shower on.
It also doesn't hurt that these are moments of intimacy that don't leave Duo shaking and furious with himself these days.
He's been trying so hard to be all right, even though it's been less than two weeks. I doubt if anyone else notices his flinches or the way he startles at sharp sounds or movements. It kills me to leave the office without him, knowing that he still feels vulnerable, but he absolutely will not have me hovering over him. Whenever I return, I have to touch him, to hold him, to reassure myself with that touch that nothing has happened while I was elsewhere.
I wet Duo's hair and applied the shampoo, working the lather through to the ends and then rubbed at his scalp while the Banshee purred and sighed happily. After a few minutes of that, I coiled it up on top of his head and picked up the raspberry soap.
"Yes?" I inquired hopefully.
"Sure," Duo smiled, his purple velvet eyes glowing, and turned his back.
I worked briskly with the soap, not giving myself time to become maudlin. We were not here to indulge in sexual fantasies; therefore I would not allow such things to intrude upon my thoughts. I could, though, with very little effort, being so close with nothing between us but water and a fast-disappearing soap lather. When I finished, I rinsed his body and his hair and added the conditioner that was the only thing that allowed a comb to pass through that thick hair. And then I turned my back while Duo returned the favor with the raspberry soap.
"Isn't this supposed to be erotic?" Duo murmured.
I snorted at having my own thoughts teased back at me. "Only if you want it to be, angel." I stepped under the water to rinse off while Duo rinsed the conditioner from his glossy hair.
"Maybe I do," he said softly when he had finished. I froze for an instant, then turned slowly to stare at my Banshee.
"Duo...?"
"Maybe... try again...?" Duo asked hesitantly. He touched my arm, stroking lightly at my golden skin. "Eventually it'll work; right?" he said hopefully. "If we try enough?"
"Yes," I answered firmly. "Eventually everything will be better." And maybe a bit sooner than 'eventually', if he lets me...
I opened my arms and Duo slid into my embrace with a smile and a deep sigh; this was no effort on either of our parts; it was only the next steps that became problematic.
For a few minutes, we just held each other; then I stepped back to take Duo by the arms and move him so that his back was against the shower wall. He opened his mouth to ask and I covered it with my own.
"Your job," I whispered when we broke for air, "Is to stay right there and enjoy yourself. In fact," I smirked, "I expect you to enjoy yourself very vocally. *Very* vocally."
Duo stared at me. "O-okay," he murmured finally. "I guess I can manage that."
There are places I cannot touch; not without him flinching and a wild-animal fear flickering in his eyes. Therefore, I do not touch those places right now. There are many more places I can touch, and I did, without pause, until he was whining with "want".
I sat back on my heels to give him a moment. I didn't want him hyperventilating; it's hard to scream when you can't breathe. He brought his breathing under control as I stroked his legs, his back and the sleek planes of his chest. His fingers, which had fisted in my hair, relaxed, petting lightly. He opened sloe eyes, looking down at me in wonder. He hadn't expected to get this far; I can see it in those purple velvet eyes.
"Okay, baby?"
"Yeah." His voice is wobbling about the upper registers, but he's not frightened.
"Continue?"
He nodded sharply, a goofy smirk on his lips. "Please..?" His fingers caressed my face, telling me that he was nowhere near frightened, and then sifted through my hair again briefly.
So, I wrapped my arms around his hips in a hug, resting my cheek against his very nice abs for a moment. His hands slipped down to rub my shoulders and I felt the long contented sigh. I matched it with one of my own.
"Heero..." he breathed and his hands slipped away from me, palms flattening against the wall. For just a moment, I wondered.... and then he rolled his hips against me.
Oh, yes... *My* Banshee.
And I wrapped my lizard-tongue around his cock.
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Ah, beautiful morning! He's just waking up; stretching and sighing and squirming luxuriously. Oh, yes; we are making progress. No one takes what is mine; not for long.
"Good morning, angel..."
A smile. An actual, blindingly happy smile.
"...Hi... When's breakfast?"
*Yessss!*
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I let myself into the classroom after first peeking to be sure that no one was there. First time I came here, Madame Collier was waiting for me. The second time, there were some students hanging around, talking with her. It startled me; not finding them here, but the way I reacted to them.
My heart went from fifty-five beats a minute to about two hundred in less time than it takes to say. The whole room wobbled in front of me and turned a bad shade of reddish-brown. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. I was sure, for all of seven seconds, that I was going to pass out and... and be... in trouble again.
Then one of the students, a butter-blond with enormous green eyes, noticed me and said very nicely, "Oh, I'm sorry; we're intruding on your time." He gathered his friends and said goodbye to Madame Collier and they left. Just like that. No sneers, no rude whispers; just a handful of friendly nods as they went past.
I found myself sitting in a chair with Madame Collier crouched in front of me, rubbing my hands and looking rather worried.
I almost told her; came really close. But I didn't. I just said that I'd had a miserable time with some of the younger students last year. She looked kind of irritated when I explained what they'd said to and about me.
"We teach all kinds magical here," she muttered. "Unfortunately, our gene pool also has a shallow end. Don't let the little shits get to you, Duo. You are more now than many of them will ever be. That annoys some of them."
She also explained that most of them would grow out of that mean-spiritedness, and used the group that had just left as an example. They were the seventh-year students and she said they had once been just as obnoxious and as irritating, but they were now turning into real Witches and Wizards.
Today, though, the room was empty. I made my way to the practice area, dropping my bag and cloak along the way, and began my warm-ups.
The main focus of this training, as Q and Madame Collier have explained it to me, is to put this... power at my command. To make it something I can use, not something that just happens. To do that, I have to figure out where it comes from, or where it is within me.
We've managed to find something, kind of like a little spot of warmth that seems to have no other purpose. My exercises are intended to draw it out, to make it easier to get to and to examine it from all angles. The trigger right now, seems to be fear. I was afraid when I blew up the toad demon and when I... hurt Wufei. Even drugged and mostly unconscious, it responded to my fear and took out the bastard...
Yeah. So it doesn't need my conscious attention to work.
Anyway, Madame Collier seems to think it's only a matter of bringing it under my conscious control, which will eliminate these sudden explosions. I told her the first day of my uncertain background; that my father was not a Banshee and that I don't know what he is. I even told her about my banishment and the terms they used against me then. She gave me a long, intense look and was quiet for a few minutes, thinking.
Then she snorted and called my Matriarch an idiot. If I was the child of Death, she said, the Matriarch had likely thrown away the best thing to happen to her Clan in centuries, or since the last child of Death.
She called me special. And said that the Matriarch was a fool for not recognizing that.
I guess... I think... maybe... I can become comfortable... with Humans again. At least some of them.
I took my place and began reaching inside myself to find that little spot of warmth. That tiny bit of heat deep inside that seemed to be trying to protect me. I really wanted to reach some kind of agreement with it, before it tried again to protect me from my friends and my lover....
Before it succeeded.
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His new phone rang and Duo picked it up, answering automatically, "This is Duo."
"Hi sweetheart," purred the warm voice of the caller.
Duo pushed himself up against the pillows. "Teal! How did you...? Heero, right?"
"Of course. He called me as soon as he picked up the new phone. I'm not interrupting, am I?"
The Banshee curled up against the pillows, almost tucking himself around the new phone. "No, I'm just knitting a little bit."
"Where's Heero?" The question wasn't quite accusatory; Teal knew that Heero had duties that couldn't be ignored or passed to someone else. Still, he couldn't help feel that the Wyvern should be wrapped around Duo right now.
"He's in his room, sulking. Well, not sulking exactly, but being displeased that he's in his room and I'm in mine."
A short silence ensued.
"Ah. And why is Heero in his room when he would rather be in yours?"
"Because I wanted some time alone." He sighed heavily. "He can't be with me 24/7; that would be ridiculous. But he wants to be."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better," Duo admitted slowly, "But still a little twitchy. I don't need a nanny though; I just need to get some more time behind me." He scratched inside his braid at the back of his head. "Noises, movements, certain actions kind of... startle me, but the doctor says it'll get better with time."
"It will, sweetheart; it will."
"So, how are you? How's Dael? Are things better at the Clanhold?"
"I am fine; Dael is a bundle of energy." As if to emphasis that statement, there was a distant babbling. "Yes, honey," said Teal, not quite into the phone, "It's Duo. You want to say 'hello' to him?"
Duo's hand tightened on the phone and then a high-pitched, too-loud voice yelled, "Arrrooo?" He couldn't help it; he laughed. "Arrrooo to you too, pretty girl!" he snickered. She immediately went off into an essay on... something, for about thirty seconds before Teal came back.
"We brought the ponies to the inner pasture today," he explained. "She got to sit on one. I'm thinking I may have set a bad precedent."
"Oh, no! Teal; little girls and horses?" he laughed.
A snort traveled through the phone. "She is not a 'little girl', she is a little Banshee. I don't remember you being so enamored of the horses. Although there was that one mare... Glika, wasn't it?"
Duo sighed. "Yeah... I'd almost forgotten about her... She... talked to me, Teal; way before any other animals did. It was the most normal thing to me, to go out to the paddock with carrots and apples and chat with the horse. And then she died..."
"She was elderly before you were born, sweetheart. You cried so hard when she died... Nothing anyone said could make you stop. Even Caz cried, in sympathy."
"Really? I didn't remember that..." He was quiet for a moment. "How are things at the Clanhold?" he asked again, not sure if Teal had just been distracted by Dael or if he had avoided the question.
"Better. The roads are repaired, and the houses. The memorials are finished and everyone is getting their lives back to normal. In fact, that is partly why I called. Dael and I will be leaving soon; maybe three days. Would you mind looking up a place for us to stay?"
It felt as if his heart wanted to break out of his chest. "Teal! You can stay here! There are guest rooms!" he babbled eagerly.
"Whoa, sweetheart! Calm down," laughed his uncle. "I know about their guest rooms, but I would prefer not to be in the Castle. I was thinking of a furnished room or a small flat for the spring. Check in town, please."
Duo wilted with disappointment. "You don't want to be close?" he whispered.
"Duo. I will be close. I just feel more comfortable without the constant hum of Human Magic. I get along fine with Witches and Wizards, as long as it's not 24/7, you know?"
"Oh. Okay." He did understand. He'd become accustomed to it in his first month here, but there had been a couple of days when he wanted to scream at that constant near-audible drone. Now, it was nothing he even noticed, like the hum of an air conditioner or background conversation in the office. "Okay," he sighed again. "I'll ask Q; he'll probably know if anyone has rooms for rent. Or maybe Wufei and Trowa would know of apartments."
"A room would be fine; perfect, in fact, if they allow a bit of cooking."
"Gotcha. So, you'll be here in a few days or a week?"
"Mmm... Call it eight days. We're flying to Nova Scotia on the 17th and it's a four-day trip from there. Unless you need me sooner?"
Duo hummed a negative. "Take your time," he said softly. "It's good just to know that you're coming. I... I think I want to tell you everything when you get here. Okay?"
"Okay, sweetheart." A short pause. "I love you, Duo."
He swallowed. "I love you, too. Give Dael a big hug from me..."
"I will. Eight days."
The connection was severed.
Duo closed his phone. He drew a deep shuddering breath and let it out slowly, trying not to sob.
A tap on the door brought his head up. Heero, looking hesitant.
Duo put on a grin. "Teal called; they'll be here in eight days."
"Good." He looked... torn. "Duo... Is the hour up yet, or do you need to extend... to make up for the phone call?"
Damn; he was going to cry again. Well, why not? Not like it was rare these days.
He held up his arms in answer and Heero slid into the room, into the bed and into Duo's arms, wrapping him tight.
"Nah..." Duo managed to say. "Time's up."