Part 38
Heero went home to his clan a couple of days after our little dance in the library. I'm still not sure if he was embarrassed or angry. He seems to draw himself in, like a snail pulling back into its shell, when he doesn't feel like dealing with something. Almost, I guess, the way I run from things and situations.
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I did that a lot -- running away -- when I was first on my own. I would find myself in a situation that I didn't know how react to, so I would just run. After a few weeks of doing that, I wrote to Teal, to ask for his help.
I was scared, angry, and depressed on top of feeling totally helpless. In my mind, I was a leaf in a tornado and heading toward certain doom.
Shar was still very ill and frail from her injuries, Teal wrote back, or he would join me and help me adapt. But I didn't want to take him away from her; if he left she would truly have no one, and I didn't want that.
I told him to stay with her, just to answer my stupid questions, and I would be fine. I hope he believed me, because I sure didn't.
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Gradually, I learned about shelters and charity or government sponsored homes for children who were without parents or guardians. There must be a lot of Humans who turn their children out, because I found many at those places.
I kept my mouth shut about parents, guardians and place of origin, as Teal suggested. Some of the adults referred to me as "traumatized" and it wasn't until the third or fourth time that I figured out what they meant. I kept moving also. I worked in places where they would give me money every day, and sometimes even feed me. I moved south as the weather cooled, as I was sleeping outside. Teal warned me about homeless adults; they sometimes would try to rob or assault teenagers and children alone. Within a shelter, I would be safe, but not outside.
In late November, in a place called Victorville, a fast food store manager let me work for a couple of days, cleaning the kitchen at night, after closing while he did the paper keeping that all Humans seemed to do. When he discovered that I was sleeping in the lee of the electrical box, he took me home with him. His mate and children were visiting her family for a while; he said I could stay until they got back. He showed me how to work the coffeemaker and the cooktop and oven, how to load the dishwashing machine and introduced me to the wonders of clothes washing machines and hot tubs.
When it came time for me to leave, he gave me a sleeping bag and a silvery thing that he called a survival blanket and a steel thermos. And he gave me a long coat with a fuzzy lining, saying that he'd feel bad if I froze to death. When I said that I was going to hitchhike, he drove me to the bus station, and bought me a ticket to the beach.
He told me the winter would be milder there, and there were more places where I could find work. He told me to take care of myself and gave me a card with his name, address and phone number on it. He said if I ever needed to talk, he would listen.
He gave me hope that I could make it somehow in a Human world.
I bounced around the beaches for a few months until the weather warmed again. During that time, I stayed at a couple of youth shelters. They had educational programs, so I learned to read and write the Human language. Banshees don't seem to have any trouble picking up spoken languages (according to Teal) but the written language is harder. Once I could read, I discovered libraries.
Wonderful places to spend a day and even a night, if I was very quiet and careful. I began reading about Human customs and discovered that I could read for years and still not know everything. They seem to have as many different sets of behaviors as trees have leaves. Most of them just confusing.
I also learned to use some of the technology that takes the place of Magic in their world. Telephones are interesting, but I knew about them. Teal has a tiny little telephone that he uses to keep in touch with his human friends. I was surprised, though, to find that most telephones are not tiny and are firmly attached to a wall or a pole.
Television and radio are other technologies that I enjoyed. I acquired a music player and some discs for it, to entertain myself. And computers were just plain fun. People laughed at the way I explored those things, probably because they had always been aware of them. Teal told me that some Banshee clans actually embrace Human technology. I had a hard time believing that; I never could picture the Matriarch allowing such things past our borders. I don't think she knew about Teal's telephone.
Several times, I attended school with Humans. At times, it was fun as well as enlightening, but there were other times when I just had to run away. Some people, usually females, were very kind, but others were cruel to a degree I wouldn't have believed before my Clan disowned me. If I stood up to them, I invariably got hurt. If I ignored them (as others suggested) their behavior only escalated and I got hurt. Running became the reaction of choice.
I never once tried to use my Voice against them. I was just as afraid to discover it was a weapon, as to find that it wasn't. I really didn't want to know.
When Q found me, I was doing sleight of hand tricks near the beach, for whatever change I could get. I used cards, chains and locks, ribbons, coins and small animals. My escape tricks usually got the most tips, but I didn't do them too often, for fear someone might begin to wonder just how nimble my hands really were.
Q sat nearby for several hours, just watching me. When he finally spoke, it was in a tone of admiration. He introduced himself and offered me a job, as well as a chance to be myself in a supportive atmosphere. I was getting sick of drifting around; I'm not cut out to be a wanderer, I think. I wanted a place to call my own and to feel safe. I said "yes" almost immediately. Q conjured a ticket and teleported us to a rail station, where he gave instructions for my trip.
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When I stepped off that train, and got my first look at Heero, I thought I'd died and gone to Human Heaven. I'd never seen such a gorgeous man! And being thunder-struck, I did what I always do. I ran, figuratively if not literally.
I clamped down on every emotion I had, put on a neutral, friendly face and proceeded to melt inside with every word he uttered. He obviously wanted to be friendly, but I didn't give him much to work with. I couldn't, I was too terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. Q has referred to it as "playing hard to get" but I was just trying to find the game.
And then, to find out that I'd been throwing pheromones without realising it... Embarrassment doesn't begin to describe it!
I met Trowa and Wufei soon after that. It didn't take me long to figure out that they were hitting on me, in a very discrete and gentlemanly fashion. Seven years in the Human world gave me a pretty good sense for that kind of thing. I'm not innocent; I had a few friends who were very obliging when I was particularly lonely or needy, but neither was I a roundheels for any guy who happened by.
I fell heavily in like with the Weres. They were the most entertaining guys I'd ever met, with their obvious affection for each other belying their constant bickering. Being around them lifted my spirits whenever I felt sad and gave me a chance to figure out what I wanted to do about Heero.
I mean, I wanted to throw myself at him, but that's foolish. I was still young and I wasn't sure I wanted a serious involvement. I've lost a lot of people who mattered very much to me. Sometimes I think I am a jinx or a harbinger or just plain bad luck.
My mother died having me. My uncle died in battle. My aunt almost died. Seventeen members of my Clan died while I looked on. They were family, and they were gone. Several of my Human friends had gone down to violence.
It makes a person wonder, you know. It made me hesitant to just swoon into Heero's arms.
I wanted to be friends, and I liked the idea of working with him. I thought I could just keep it light and casual for a while, until some cosmic revelation pointed me in the right direction.
It kind of rocked my world when I discover that Heero was living in the room on the other side of the bath. I had a major anxiety attack at first, but realising that he was as disconcerted as I was, helped me to manage my nerves. It helped also that he never stepped over the bounds of propriety.
Even when he walked in on me in the tub. He just remarked that I should lock the door when I was in the bath. I promised to try, and I did try, but locks just weren't part of my upbringing, and I usually forget. I don't think he really minds. He doesn't stare at me or drool or anything, and after a couple of weeks he was even shedding clothes and hopping into the shower as if I wasn't even there.
My friendly-but-not-that-friendly mask began to crack the day he took me flying. Adrenaline, endorphins, whatever other chemicals the body produces in those situations, all served to turn me into a quivering lump of Banshee goo. I was terrified and exhilarated all at once, and he was there, holding me close, protecting me, giving me a raging hard-on. I never thought I had any kinks, but Heero's Wyvern form was heart-stoppingly impressive. I had to back up and rebuild some walls or I'd be groveling at his feet.
I kept everything locked down tight when I was around him after that. We still went places together and began working together; I just tried to be casually relaxed and professionally competent, respectively. For the most part, it worked.
And then that damned toad demon had to stick its tentacles in. Poof! went my walls again. This time, they didn't want to go back up. I kissed Heero in the library. I didn't mean to... And then, he kissed me. And told me he missed me while he was gone...
He still isn't pushing it, though, he's drawn back into his shell again, and now I'm confused. Does he want me? Is he just being a friend? Is he leading up to something, or holding back? Where is this weird thing between us going? Do I want it to go anywhere? Am I just being a whiny little creature? Is he just trying to make me crazy? I don't know, about any of it. All I know is that I really like being around him, and I don't want anything to happen to him, ever.
I'm just bloody confused