Diversion #21 - Ii kibarashi - Q and the Were
The Wizard Q raised an eyebrow at the odd sound coming from the outer office. Was Raia watching television? She did sometimes, if there was a particular program that caught her interest. But she didn't usually find soap operas interesting.
Curious, he left his chair and went to the door, pausing momentarily to listen. Yes, that was indeed a weeping female. He'd endured enough of his sisters' angst-ridden moments to recognize the sound. He opened the door.
"Is something wrong?" he asked cautiously.
His assistant shot him a desperate look. The sobbing blonde female hadn't noticed him yet. That changed when Q raised his voice.
"Raia? What's going on here?"
"Oh... Q... This is..." She hesitated only a moment. "Miss Ling Ping Mei. She... um... she has a problem..."
Well. This was unprecedented. Raia was usually never at a loss for words.
He regarded the female warily. He certainly couldn't have her sobbing in his reception area. And it wouldn't be polite to demand that she take her waterworks elsewhere. At least, not until the cause of said waterworks had been determined.
"Oh... Hm... Well, perhaps I can offer some help...?" Raia's relief was almost comical. She bounced to her feet immediately.
"Oh, yes! Well, of course you can help! Here, Miss Ling; this is Q. He's the Head of Magical Investigations."
The blonde looked up at him, sniffing piteously and dabbing ineffectually at her bloodshot eyes with a shredded tissue. "Oh," she whimpered; "you're his employer."
Q blinked; how the hell did Raia get out of the room so fast? Employer? Whose employer?
Well. Nothing to do now, but get on with it.
"Miss... Ling?" He bowed toward his office. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong? Perhaps I can be of help."
The honey-haired female gathered her pink purse and straightened her pink hat and swept into his office.
Pink... Hm... Pink hat, pink dress, pink stockings, pink shoes, pink gloves, pink purse, pink lipstick... Pink... eyeshadow? Where did the niggling thought of pink come from...? Why did that ring a bell somewhere in the back of his mind? Why on earth would an attractive female array herself to resemble nothing so much as a strawberry ice cream cone?
He was moving to sit behind his desk when the penny dropped.
Pink? Ling Ping Mei?
*Holy shit!*
Wufei's fiancé! Dammit, Raia!
Fortunately, Q was nothing if not resourceful. He spent a few minutes getting the weepy female settled and a cup of tea in her hand, while another part of his mind was gathering up all the information it could remember on Chang Wufei's fiancé.
It was an arranged affiancement, as was usual for Were-Dragons, but Wufei had chosen to refuse the marriage. Q tried not to get involved in the internal politics of Magical Creatures; different races did things differently and even different Clans had different traditions, but Wufei had been bluntly honest when he first came to the Castle. He had explained that he had been exheredated by his father for refusing to return home for marriage after finishing school, and he had also explained to Q exactly why he could not, would not accede to his father's wishes.
Wufei's reasons for being at the Castle were very similar to Q's own reasons for preferring life at the Castle and his position in Magical Investigations over the corporate boardroom and chairmanship of Winner Enterprises, Inc.
Wufei was a wholeheartedly, unabashedly, proudly *gay* Were-Dragon, with less than zero interest in any creature of the opposite sex. And he would rather be an outcast from his Clan, than spend the rest of his considerable lifespan locked into a relationship with someone who meant nothing to him and who could never give him the joy or the pleasure he deserved.
To put it bluntly - and Wufei *had* put it bluntly - he simply could not get it up for any female. No sex, no children; no children, no reason to be married in his mind.
Which led Q back to wondering just why Ling Ping Mei was here, and more importantly, what did she want? He supposed he should stop putting it off and just ask the question.
He folded his hands together neatly on the top of his desk and smiled encouragingly. "Are you feeling a little better, Miss Ling?" She had dried her eyes and blown her nose and downed one cup of tea and was working on a second.
"Yes," she sniffed, "thank you so much for agreeing to see me. I... I just didn't know what to do." Her voice rose slightly, threatening to become a whine.
Quickly Q jumped in before the whine could truly manifest. "Well, I'm not sure what I can do to help you, but I will certainly try. Why don't you tell me why you're here...?"
"Well, I came to see Wufei; he's my fiancé, you know. We were supposed to be married five years ago, but he never came home." She seemed to notice that her voice was rising again; she reined it in to a more genteel tone. "Daddy- I mean, my father was *quite* put out, but he agreed to wait. The Changs said that Wufei was pursuing further studies... He's to be the Chang historian, you know; that's the job of the second son," she offered brightly. "But he didn't come home, and he didn't come home, and Father found out that Wufei had *refused* to come home! He *refused* to get married! He said he didn't *want* to get married and he didn't *want* to be the historian! And... and..." She sniffed piteously and dabbed at her eyes, but Q noted that there didn't seem to be any real tears in those blue eyes. "And I thought it was *my* fault, that he didn't want to marry *me*! And... well... That would be just *rude* of him! Don't you think? To refuse a contracted marriage just because you don't *like* the person? *I* was willing to marry *him*, after all."
Q blinked. Hm. Was that implication intended or not, he wondered. Ling Ping Mei seemed to be waiting for some comment or acknowledgement from him; he obliged with a soft "tsk'ing sound.
She took it as agreement. "Exactly! Why in the world would he want to stay away from home, among Humans and Creatures so far beneath him, if not just to be rude to me?"
Again, Q blinked. O~kay... The problem began to present itself...
"Perhaps Wufei just doesn't want to be a historian."
"Nonsense!" she snorted. "He's the second son; it's what the second son does. All second sons, in all the Families, are the historians. Daddy- I mean, my father says it's because they allowed him to go off to that school, that Hogwarts place. He never should have spent all that time with those Magical Humans." She leaned closer to Q, lowering her voice as if imparting a deep dark secret. "Father says Humans will poison your mind, you know; they're such petty, grubby things."
Another blink. Q began to see exactly why Chang Wufei had run for his life - figuratively, if not literally - from marriage to this Were-Dragon. He decided he'd better wrap this up before he gave this oblivious female a piece of his mind.
"That's all in the past, Miss Ling; what can I help you with today?" he inquired firmly.
"I want you to fire him."
Q stared at her. "I beg your pardon?"
"I want you to fire him," she repeated in exasperation. "If he has no job, he would be forced to come home and marry me. So I want you to fire him."
For the first time in memory, Q gaped. Clearly, Wufei had not been exaggerating his home situation. At the same time, he felt rather sorry for this obviously spoiled, naïve female, who apparently preferred a miserable, unhappy spouse to no spouse at all.
"Um... Miss Ling... Have you considered... well, finding another fiancé?" he suggested gently. Fire Wufei? Fire one of his best investigators, one of the best people he had ever met?! Not in a thousand years!
"Of course not! He's *supposed* to marry me! Our fathers agreed! He has to be shown the error of his ways; he *has* to marry me!"
Q sat back in his chair, nonplused. Well, dammit, how the hell was he supposed to answer *that*? How *did* one tell an unwanted fiancé to just *butt out*?
In all of his business and diplomatic dealings, he had yet to deal with *that* one. ::Think, Quatre,:: he admonished himself. ::What would you say to your fiancé, if you were Wufei? And you wanted to escape with your hide intact...::
"Miss Ling..." he began diplomatically, choosing to detour around the suggestion that he *fire* the Were-Dragon. "While I understand and sympathize with your disappointment, Wufei cannot be forced into marriage. Neither can he be forced to return to his Clan."
"But this is humiliating!" she cried. "Everyone is *laughing* at me!"
Ah-ha! The truth comes out at last!
Q sat forward once again, seeing the proper path unfurling before him. "Ah, but surely *you* are too fine and worthy a female to be pursuing a male who has the bad taste to spurn your affections?" he offered in a voice like oiled silk. "Surely one as lovely and as charming and as obviously intelligent as yourself would have *many* disappointed suitors who would clamor for your hand if it were only free? In fact, I'm sure that if you were only to look around you with fresh eyes, you would surely find dozens of such males dreaming of you even now..."
Ling Ping Mei blinked at him stupidly. "But Father..."
"And *surely* your father would be *delighted* for you to choose a more *suitable* husband... If you were only free to do so..."
He could almost see the tiny little hamster wheels beginning to turn in her head.
"Da- Father *was* very upset..." she said slowly, thoughtfully. "He and Chang had- had *words*... And they've been friends since they were *children*..."
"Wouldn't it be *so* much better, if you were to *free* yourself from the ignominious clutches of that insufferable male?" he murmured. "Why, the news would be *such* a relief to your poor father! It would free him from having to turn his back on a childhood friend! A friend, mind you, who *surely* suffers every day from the base calumny of his *own* son! It would ease your *dear* father's mind and extend his oh-so-honorable life... It would give him such *hope* for the future! A future replete with grandchildren! A continuation of his venerable line..."
There was more, but we will draw a veil over the rest, lest we run low on barf bags.
Nearly an hour later, Q's door opened, and the Wizard stepped out, ushering the pink-clad creature before him. Raia was back at her desk; she eyed her boss warily, knowing full well that she had deserted him under fire, and sure that she would be hearing about it very soon.
"Oh, Master Q," gushed the female, "I'm *so* glad I was able to speak with you! You've helped me see things *so* clearly! Thank you *so* much!"
Rather a few too many "so's there, thought Raia with distaste.
Q bowed over her hand, brushing his lips briefly across her glove. "The pleasure was *all* mine, dear Miss Ling. We cannot have such a noble female such as yourself being ensnared by such a despicable creature, now can we?" he returned archly.
Ling Ping Mei simpered alarmingly and flapped her free hand deprecatingly. "Oh, sir! You are most kind! Why, you are yourself almost noble enough to be a Dragon!"
"Ah Miss Ling, you flatter me! Oh, look at the time! You'll just be able to catch your flight!" He gestured expansively to Raia. "Summon a teleporter immediately, Raia! Miss Ling must make Flight 1152 from Los Angeles International." He turned away from Ling Ping Mei to wink at Raia.
"Oh, at once, Sir!" She tapped the brazier next to her desk.
Q turned back to the... gooey female. "All taken care of, Miss Ling," he pronounced. "Our best teleporter will be here in a matter of seconds. If you will just step into the outer lounge..." He held the outer door for her. "I'm so glad I was able to help you with that nasty little problem. You know what to do when you arrive home now?"
"Oh, yes!" she nodded emphatically. "I certainly do!"
"Then goodbye, dear Miss Ling! And I hope to hear *wonderful* news very soon!"
He closed the door and slumped against it with a huge "whoosh' of breath.
"Q? What the hell was all that?!" demanded Raia. "And why is she taking an *airline* flight?" But Q shook his head, listening at the door.
"When she's really gone..." he murmured.
In the lounge, a teleporter appeared.
From around the corner, Wufei stepped into the lounge, followed by Trowa, on their way to see Q.
"*YOU!*" Wufei snarled, seeing his fiancé.
Ling Ping Mei drew herself up to her full height, took two steps toward him, pulled off her right glove, and with her delicate little nose in the air, slapped Wufei crisply across the face.
"*I* wouldn't marry *you* if you were the *last* Were-Dragon on the planet! You... *barbarian*!" She spun on her heel and marched back to the startled porter. "We may leave now," she ordered haughtily, and they vanished.
Wufei stared at the spot where Ling Ping Mei had vanished, a hand to his stinging cheek. "What the *fuck* was that all about?!"
Trowa doubled over and collapsed to his knees, howling with laughter.
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