Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of them.
Warnings: Male/Male sex, graphic, language, violence, abuse.
"Now, for a special treat," the instructor announced, as he motioned to where Duo was leaning against one side of a chalkboard, glaring, "We have a special visit by Commander Duo Maxwell, special ops and former gundam pilot. He will explain to you, why it is so important to follow procedures when you, or one of your fellow team, is injured. Commander?"
There was a smattering of applause as Duo pried himself from the wall and strode to the instructor's podium to give his thirteenth lecture. Milliardo had, indeed, found an apt punishment for him that was as schoolboy as saying, 'Write, 'I will not doctor myself.', a hundred times.' Telling other men and women, how he had failed to follow those procedures was both embarrassing and irritating.
He should have been out in the field, Duo thought as he began by painting the scenario of a man down in enemy territory, and how many errors in judgment a man could make that might jeopardize his fellow agents.The thought of fellow agents, just then, made Duo wonder how many were dying, because he wasn't in the field doing his job. Surely Milliardo could see that? His stint as an instructor didn't have a time limit, but Duo couldn't imagine the man being stupid enough to make it a long one.
Some of his audience looked rapt, hanging on his every word, but others were clearly bored, and clearly not listening. It wasn't wise to ignore Shinigami, Duo thought, as he suddenly strode forward, grabbed a man by the collar and put him down on the cold floor. Twisting an arm up painfully, he waited until it grew numb, the room exploding in excited voices all around him, and then let it go.
Standing up, Duo's 'victim' sat up in a daze, trying to shake feeling into his arm."You're injured," Duo told him, "but you're told that you need to go on a mission. What do you do?"
Duo had intentionally picked the man who had spent his lecture shaking his head and sighing in disgust. The man gave him a superior look and replied, "Ignore the wound and do my job. I'm not a pussy."
"It's your right hand,"Duo told him."Your gun hand."
The man shook his left hand at Duo with a sneer. "I can use the other...sir."
Duo flipped out his gun, safety on, and tossed it at the man. The man fumbled the catch and it skittered on the floor. He picked it up, though, and held it expertly, raising an eyebrow at Duo.
"You're already dead, agent," Duo told him. "You don't get the luxury of a do over during a mission. You need to be one hundred percent."
"I think you're laying it on a little thick, sir," the man complained and his fellow agents looked as skeptical as he did.
Duo glared and then reached down to drag him to his feet. "Gun range, now. Let's see how well your ass does there."
On the course, after strapping the man's gun hand down, it was clear that he was, not only a danger to himself, but a danger to his fellow agents as they were forced to 'save' him, again and again, as they went through the course full of automated enemy. When they reached the end, Duo showed the tally, almost putting it in his 'victim's' face.
"You were killed six times, agent," Duo told the man. "And you managed to take three of your fellow agents down with you. Do you get it now?"
The man glared, but he couldn't argue with the results. Duo sent them all back to their instructor and then grumbled, as the last one left the field, "I hate this."
"You do it so well, though," Milliardo said close by.
Duo almost reached for his gun before his mind registered, 'commander', and relaxed. Without turning, he replied, "You're probably laughing your ass off, aren't you, sir?"
"On the contrary," Milliardo replied as he moved to face Duo. "I'm concerned for my new recruits. I don't think that we can use your brand of training methods without some consequences, even though it proved rather effective in this case."
Duo frowned as he erased the tally board. "Did the instructor call you?"
"Yes," Milliardo replied. "He was concerned that you had harmed one of his pupils."
Duo shrugged. "It was temporary."
"Still, it isn't acceptable," Milliardo insisted.
"And you think the enemy is going to not shoot his head off, when he's down and wounded, because that's not acceptable?" Duo wondered acidly. He finally looked up at Milliardo. A light wind picked at the strands of the big man's white hair and made them flutter around him. Those blue eyes were studying Duo, giving everything that he said his full attention."He should get a few bruises now, so that he won't be a dumbshit later."
"I agree," Milliardo replied, surprising Duo, "but the government and the laws don't. We are not allowed to physically harm our agents in order to train them better."
A petulant, 'No one cared about hurting me, when I trained.', stayed behind Duo's lips. They both knew it. It didn't need to be said.
Milliardo tried to tame his hair with a strong hand as he said, "I think that you've completed your punishment. I believe that you've learned as much as that agent did, today."
"Maybe I did," Duo conceded, "but they aren't me. They'll never be able to do half as much as I can."
"I warn you that there is a danger in believing in your strength too much," Milliardo replied, looking as if he were seeing the ghosts of the past. "You will disappoint yourself, when you can least afford it."
"I haven't yet," Duo pointed out.
"Arrogant," Milliardo hissed. "I worry that you will be the means to your own end, if you continue to refuse to mature-"
"You mean 'grow up'?" Duo cut in, "I did my growing up when I was tossed on the streets of L2,sir, to fend for myself."
"Duo," Milliardo warned, "I have to warn you that even someone that we need, as much as you, can become too much of a loose cannon.Higher Ups might not wait until you make a fatal error in judgment."
"Yes,sir," Duo replied correctly, but didn't give any of the reassurances that Milliardo wanted. Duo was too sure that he was the best, that he couldn't be measured by anyone's yardstick. He knew his own abilities.
Milliardo looked worried, a totally unguarded few moments, where Duo had a glimpse past the perfectly correct soldier. For some reason, this man cared about what happened to him, Duo thought in amazement, and that made unfamiliar emotions roil inside of him. It was more than about need, more than about loneliness, and had everything to do with the man standing in front of him.
"How's your back?" Duo blurted out, and blushed at Milliardo's surprise. Duo hadn't known any other way to return the favor, except to show a like concern. He almost turned away, almost covered it with a joke, but then Milliardo replied softly.
"It feels fine. I don't think that it would have without your help."
Duo blushed hotter. "Uhm, yeah, well, like I said, I have skills other people don't."
That sounded so loaded with innuendo, when Duo replayed it in his head, that he couldn't look at Milliardo again. Instead, he fumbled with his tally board and stammered, "I have class papers to grade...They do get graded on this sh-, course after all."
"Of course," Milliard replied, but there was a noticeable warmth in his voice."You are dismissed."
Duo nodded and managed not to hurry as he walked away.Smooth, he said to himself in disgust, and wondered what Milliardo thought of him now.
_______________________________________________________
"He's looking at you again," Hilde crooned under her breath as they sat at the back of the room and listened to Milliardo's briefing.
"Stupid," Duo growled back.
"I can't believe you aren't even a little interested," Hilde sighed in exasperation. "I'd jump him if he even winked at me... of course, we'd be like a chihuahua and a saint Bernard, but-"
"Spare me the imagery," Duo snarled and sank down into his seat, pencil digging into his notepad.
"It would definitely be like climbing Mt. Everest," Hilde continued, unperturbed."I wonder what kind of kids we'd have? Small with white hair, or big with dark hair? If it's big with dark hair, I'll pay someone else to have them. I'm not about to push out something like-"
"Hilde!" Duo complained loudly.
The other agents in the room looked their way and Milliardo frowned. Duo felt, briefly, as if he was in school again and about to suffer detention. Milliardo gave him a level look, across the room, and then continued with his briefing.
"I think you're asexual," Hilde grumbled, "not gay. No gay man on earth, or in space, wouldn't be interested in Milli, there.Since you don't like women, either, then you have to be totally unsexed."
"You are warped," Duo bit out.
Hilde rolled eyes at him. "Look, Duo, We're like brother and sister. I worry about you, all right? It's not natural for a guy not to want to get laid."
"Can we talk about this somewhere else?" Duo asked in embarrassment.
"You won't," Hilde sighed."You're in total denial. Your fish see more of you than anyone else, and they don't get to see you all that much."
"This briefing is important," Duo grumbled as he pretended to make a note.
"It's required rehashing of what we already know," Hilde retorted.
She went on, but Duo had stopped listening. His eyes were on Milliardo, watching the way his bound hair swayed when he made a point and turned to motion to reports on a vid screen, and the way his big shoulders made the material of his uniform bunch and slide. He was very interested in Milliardo Peacecraft, he admitted to himself, and he had to face that and do something about it. The when and where, had been a problem, though. Two missions, back to back, and then Milliardo gone on an executive trip of some sort. This was their first meeting since the lunch in the common area.
Duo had gone over, in his head, how he would approach the man and what he would say, but it had sounded wrong, desperate, and ridiculous. 'I've changed my mind and I want to slide hands down your pants.' Didn't seem appropriate. 'I've changed my mind, let's go on a date.' Sounded like grade school. 'I was hasty in my refusal, please allow me to get to know you better.' wasn't him at all. Duo was more the, 'Let's go out for a few beers and hang out.' type of person, only drinking had led to pain, and he wasn't ready to go that route again.
The meeting broke up. Hilde leaned in close and said, "You need help, Maxwell. You really should admit it."
Duo glared at her. "I don't have any problems, Hilde, so stop trying to make some."
Hilde had dropped her attempts at humor and looked more serious. "I mean it, Duo. You've got some heavy baggage and you need to unload it before it messes up the rest of your life."
She went with the others as they filed out of the room. Heero hung in the doorway, adjusting a laptop and some notebooks, and Duo felt the need to prove, at least to himself, that he wasn't afraid of the man. The sudden hand on his arm made every muscle beneath it jump and tense.
"Duo," Heero said quietly. "Can we talk?"
Duo felt the anger and fear boil up and it was hard to reply, "Not interested."
Heero frowned and let him go. "I feel as if I've done something... wrong," he said."I don't know what that is, though. I need you to tell me."
Duo rubbed the spot where Heero had held him and took a step back. "If you don't know, then you're one screwed up fucker!" Duo snarled.
Heero blinked, astonished. "I have done something wrong," he affirmed. "I don't remember, Duo. You have to know that. That night... It's a blur. I've never... I didn't..."
"Something wrong?" Milliardo asked coolly as he approached them. His stance near Duo and his long look down at Heero, told Duo who he was concerned about. It made him angrier. He didn't need protection.
Duo put on a grin that was as sharp as edged steel. Eyes glinting, he said, "Don't remember, Yuy? You missed out, then, buddy! Better luck next fuck."
Milliardo winced at the crudeness and Heero looked alarmed, now. He almost reached out to Duo again, but Duo was backing away, panic making him pant. He didn't want Milliardo to see him like this and he didn't want Heero Yuy to know how much he was hurting, how much his heart was hammering with reaction just to being so close to those too strong hands of his.
Heero stepped forward and grabbed his arm hard, expression desperate for understanding. "Tell me what's going on!" he demanded. "Tell me what I did!"
It was as if Duo took a step into nightmare. He was suddenly pinned down, being rammed hard and fast by the body above him, Heero's alcohol breath in his face and his legs forced wide to take all of the man. At the same time, he was in the here and now, struggling and shouting at the two men descending on him. They all hit the floor, fists flying, and then they were apart again, Duo huddled in on himself and the two men backing away, giving him room.
Duo had faced death countless times. He had grinned into the face of the enemy while trading shots with overwhelming odds. A one night stand with Heero Yuy shouldn't have mattered, shouldn't have turned him into the shaking,panting, coward on the meeting room floor.
"I'm sorry," Heero said softly, one hand nursing a fist sized bruise on his cheek. "Whatever I did... I wasn't in my right mind. I was taking anti depressants. I shouldn't have been drinking. When you kept giving them to me... We were friends. I didn't want to say no to you."
Which made it all his fault, Duo thought, and then was flinging himself off of the floor and out into the hallway. He was walking blindly, just wanting away from the humiliation and the memories. Heero was blameless. Medication and alcohol didn't mix. Everyone knew that. It was just too bad that Heero's cocktail had made him a brutal rapist.... only it wasn't rape, because Duo had wanted it. It was his punishment that it had all turned out so badly.
"Duo, please stop," Milliardo called and then was suddenly walking beside him, keeping pace easily.
Duo flinched, but Heero wasn't with him. Duo kept walking blindly, just wanting escape, just wanting to leave it all behind. His mind began making travel plans, writing up his resignation in his head, deciding on satellite work in the colonies... somewhere where he didn't have to face Heero or Milliardo again.
Duo ended up at the door to the staff psychologist. He stared at the dark wood, not understanding how his feet had made an independant decision.
Milliardo reached up and knocked softly. The man who answered seemed kindly and pleasant. He smiled at Duo, looked uncertainly at Milliardo, and then said, "Do you like cream or sugar in your coffee, agent Maxwell, or would you prefer tea?"
Duo blinked, confused.
"You are here to talk, I presume?" the man wondered. When Duo made a single nod, he ushered Duo into the room, leaving Milliardo behind. "Well coffee and tea makes talking a lot easier, I've found."
As Duo sat down in a plush chair, he suddenly understood his actions. After everything that had happened, he knew that he needed help.He didn't want to leave Preventers, he didn't want to be afraid of Heero, and, most of all, he didn't want Milliardo looking at him with that soft, uncertain, worried expression, the one that doubted his sanity.He'd been told, often enough, that the psychologist could help him. He was ready, now, to put that to the test.
TBC