Disclaimer: I don't own them and I don't make any money off of them.
Warnings: Male/Male sex, graphic, language, violence, abuse.
Higher Ups
Kracken
6x2
"The purpose of these mission scenarios, is to allow me to know all of your strengths and weaknesses,"Milliardo explained as he faced them at the head of the conference table. "I don't see why you're objecting Maxwell."
Duo shifted uncomfortably in his seat, eyes lowered to where he had angrily circled 'First team;Yuy and Maxwell.' It was bad enough having Heero sitting across from him, and knowing that they would be working in the same elite force, but doing anything together was out of the question.Saying that to everyone in the room, to an aloof, critical Wu Fei Chang, a concerned Quatre Winner, and the level, experienced eyes of Trowa Barton, as well as the one man there that he wanted respect from, Milliardo Peacecraft, was beyond him.
"I've got enough on record," Duo finally replied.
"Records don't tell me everything," Milliardo countered. "I require these tests."
Duo clenched his fists and stood abruptly,"Hey!"he retorted, "You need me, not the other way around. You want Duo Maxwell on your force, you give me a call. I don't play these kid games."
"You object to working with me?" Heero's voice asked as Duo began striding for the door. He stopped, half turned, and blushed furiously when he saw that Heero had picked up his paper, and was regarding the angry circle.
"I'm not afraid of you!" Duo shouted and everyone, even Wu Fei winced.
Heero looked confused, but Duo was already leaving, not wanting to explain that remark, not wanting to face the fact that it had been said with all the gut wrenching fear that he had stashed down deep inside of him.
Duo wasn't surprised when a tersely worded letter appeared in his office mail that same day, telling him that his conflict with the team made him unsuitable as a candidate, and another under it, requesting his presence at a meeting with Preventer psychiatric.All professionally handled, just as he had requested from Milliardo Peacecraft. Nothing personal at all.He wasn't sure why it hurt so much.The humiliation should have been worse.
Duo didn't understand why he couldn't deal with it, why that night with Heero Yuy ate at him so much. He had seen terrible things during his short life. So Heero had gotten rough. So he had gotten hurt. So he had cried... a little... and felt... helpless... Duo Maxwell, survivor of the L2 streets, former Gundam pilot, had been completely... helpless. It was almost impossible to even think the word. Still... how long had that lasted? Moments? It's not like Heero had taken his time. Slam, bam, thank you, sir... but there hadn't been a thank you...just a quick exit, dragging his clothes on as he had fled the scene, and embarrassment that it would show... that people would see... and know...
Duo sat at his desk, fists clenched on the top, every muscle tense. He sprang into action, suddenly, flipping on the vid phone and calling Une. When her puzzled face appeared, looking bothered, he snapped, "I want a mission. What do you have?"
A terrorist cell in the deep jungles. Perfect. He'd have his bags packed within the hour, and be on a transport shortly after that. He needed to be in control. He needed to prove to himself that he wasn't... helpless.He needed to call Hilde and have her feed his fish...
"Duo?" Quatre Winner peeked into his office, blue eyes wary, not sure of his welcome.
"Come on in," Duo told him, "But I can't stay long. I have a mission."
Quatre looked disappointed. "You won't be coming to the party, then, I suppose? We'll miss you."
"Sorry about that," Duo apologized as he shut down his computer and started grabbing his things. "Maybe next time."
"Duo, can I say something?" Quatre wondered and then sighed as he came further into the room, adjusting his Preventer tie as if it were too tight and then running a hand through his gold hair as he faced Duo. "I don't want to overstep myself, but you seemed upset by Heero. Joining this elite team will be a promotion for you. I know that you and Heero-"
"You don't know anything," Duo growled as he snatched his coat from the back of his chair. "He's an asshole and I don't want to work with him. That's all there is to say."He shrugged angrily, "I'm already out of the team and I have an appointment with Psyche. Right now, I'm off to save what career I have left by proving I can still kick ass, so if you'll excuse me?"
Duo tried to walk by but Quatre put a hand on his arm. "I don't know what happened between you and Heero,"he said softly, "but he doesn't know what that is, I assure you. I think you should talk to him."
Duo went pale with rage and Quatre withdrew his hand. "He doesn't know? Why should he? I'm the one-" Duo cut that off and shook his head sharply. "I don't want to do this, Quat. Maybe we'll talk about it when I get back."
"All right," Quatre sighed, "I hope that you know that I'm your friend, that you can always talk to me."
"I do," Duo replied. "Thanks." But not about that, Duo thought, as he left the man behind and headed for Supply. He wasn't going to tell anyone what happened that night.
___________________________________
"Miss me?" Duo tapped on the glass of his fish tank. His fish hunted for food and then went back to their lazy foraging among the fake grasses. "Sure you did," Duo sighed. "Completely heart broken."
Duo tossed his duffel bag into a corner, hit the switch on his vid recorder, and then hunted in his regrigerator for a beer.The messages were ordinary. A few solicitors, acquaintances, Quatre wondering if he was home yet, and one that made him almost hit his head as he ducked out of the refrigerator, beer in hand.
"Agent Maxwell," Milliardo's smooth voice said, echoing in that almost bare room. "Your psyche evaluation, and latest mission report, all affirm your competence as a Preventer agent. I regret that you were unable to join my elite force, but I would like to have a chance to speak with you as soon as you finish your down time, on a more personal basis."
Duo blinked at the vid recorder and then grimaced at his fish as he closed the refrigerator and popped open the top of his beer can. "Talk? What do you think he means by that? Any fishy insight for me? No? You are not a lot of company, you do realize that?"He flopped into a chair. "I guess I can't be picky. You do put up with me being gone all the time and you don't even expect me to call you."
Duo checked over a long line of bio suture on his outer arm, wincing as it pulled. It would dissolve as the wound healed, but the blade that had laid him open still felt as if it was cutting him open.
"Didn't lose any men," Duo said tightly. "Beat the bad guys. Took out the guy who was trying to take me out. Milliardo Peacecraft made as close to an apology as I'm going to get."Duo saluted the empty room with his beer can. "I am THE man!" He took a swig, and then glowered at his own dark thoughts.
It took two more drinks before it hit Duo. He nearly crushed his beer can, as he shoved himself out of the chair and slapped the playback on his vid recorder again. He skipped through messages until it played Milliardo's message again.... and then he played it yet again. Duo let it stop, then, and sat back down as if his legs were too weak to hold him up.
"On a more personal basis," Duo echoed. He looked over at his fish. "You heard that, too, right?" The fish ignored him and he sighed and decided that talking to himself was better than talking to the fish.. "I don't know, Maxwell... It's too weird. He has Wu Fei hanging out at his place, leaving his clothes. I'm not even going to try to believe nothing went on there. I'll just assume that Peacecraft got tired of the arrogant bad attitude and dumped him. Now he wants... me? He likes small guys... that could mean he's a weirdo. He's rich and near the top of Preventers. We won't even mention the prince, thing.He could have anyone he wanted."
Duo thumped his beer aside onto a small table, and stood up so that he could pace. He cradled his wounded arm as he walked, head down as he tried to think of any good reason to accept Milliardo's offer of something more personal.The more he considered it, though, the more he found things wrong.
"There's absolutely no fucking reason for him to want to be with me," Duo concluded. That was the harsh truth."So, what's his game?"
Duo knew what lust was. He knew what a man could do when he desired a handsome body. Personality. Rich or poor. Compatibility. None of that entered into the decision to get a piece of ass. He had gotten Heero drunk, lured him away from the main party, and then had made him want a piece of ass, too. They had played down and dirty and used each other. Heero had hurt him. It was too late to play the blame game, but it wasn't too late to learn the lesson well. If they were playing the game, other people were playing it too; maybe people like Milliardo Peacecraft.
The bell rang. Duo stared at the door. No one visited him, not even Quatre. His hand found his pistol, still in its holster under his arm, as he flipped on the outside security camera. Seeing Heero standing there, looking uncomfortable, confused him. It was as if his thoughts had conjured him out of nothing. A snatch of something Howard had once said, flitted through his mind. 'Don't think about bad things, because that makes bad happen.' As if bad could sit up and take notice of you.
Duo shivered as Heero knocked again, louder this time.
Both our fault, Duo reasoned with himself. I made him drunk. I got him all hot and horny. It was... my fault. His fault. Our fault.
Heero frowned, ran fingers through his messy hair, and then pulled out his cell phone. Duo's cell rang. He quickly shut it off, hoping that Heero hadn't heard it through the door. After a few rings, Heero gave up and pocketed his phone. He stood, looking indecisive, while Duo stood and stared at him with a creeping fear that undid all of the confidence building that he had attempted during his mission.
It had been easy to fool the psychologist, to grin, shrug, and explain away his reaction to Heero Yuy as nothing more than leftover bad feelings from the war. Watching Heero Yuy slowly turn and walk away, he began to wonder if, maybe, he should have come clean. The man might have been able to help him. It would have been better than the utter relief that he felt, knowing that he wasn't going to have to face Heero, just then, and knowing that the man could make him that afraid.
Legs spread, the pounding of the body on top of him, that steel strength of Heero's holding him in place, and the sound of his own choked cries, thrust themselves into Duo's mind, as if it was happening right then and there. He shivered convulsively and then scratched at his wound, allowing the pain to end that torturous flashback.He couldn't tell some stranger about that, couldn't even imagine recounting the details while the psychologist looked on with clinical detachment and nodded.How could he even begin to explain the overwhelming guilt and helplessness?
Duo flipped open his cell phone and called Une's voice mail.
"Hey, commander?" he said as he fished out another beer from his fridge and popped the top one handed. "Maxwell here. I'm clear for duty, okay? Call me with a mission."
Going back out into the field, even wounded, was better than running into Heero at headquarters or facing the fact that he was afraid of Milliardo Peacecraft, too; afraid of what the man wanted from him and his desire for the man that might leave him open for pain and humiliation again.
____________________________________
The man was looking at him, ice blue eyes thoughtful and face not as impassive as his voice. He was addressing the room full of agents, yet his attention seemed to be all on Duo. Milliardo Peacecraft knew that his offer had been rejected, in the simple lack of response to his call earlier. He was too much of a professional, and a gentleman, to confront Duo and ask why, especially at headquarters. He could convey it, though, in the way that he tilted his head and leaned his body, ever so slightly, towards where Duo was sitting, even though Duo was seated far across the room.It was a polite request. Duo displayed his refusal by crossing his arms over his chest and glaring down at the floor.
Hilde snickered in his ear. "Tall and handsome likes you, I think. Why are you giving him the 'eat shit and die' treatment?"
Hilde's tone was teasing, but he could hear the question in it. They were friends and he told her everything. This he had kept to himself, though, simply because he was still so confused by it. She only knew that he was attracted to men, not that he was failing miserably at dealing with that attraction.
"Not interested," Duo growled under his breath.
"Then you're colder than your fish," Hilde chuckled back."That's probably why they like me better than you."
"Do not," Duo retorted.
"Do so," Hilde shot back, but then said, "I thought men were all about what's below their belts? Why are you being so picky, when gorgeous there wants to oblige?"
"Not my type," Duo replied tightly. "Now shut it, I'm trying to concentrate."
"On denial," Hilde snickered.
The meeting was a tedious rehashing of procedure and everyone in the room, had been accused of 'hotdogging' their missions. Both Wufei and Heero, were, of course, absent. Procedures and orders were their life's blood. Duo could read an entirely different meaning into Milliardo's attention, if he had wanted to. He was the worst offender, and therefore, in need of a higher level of chewing out.
The meeting broke up. Hilde declined an offer of lunch and Duo endured a pang of loneliness when he saw her flirting with a jump ship captain and making plans for lunch with him. The sour look on his face made people give way in the crowd, his reputation such that they didn't want to be on the receiving end of his bad mood, and he was able to get out of the room before any one else, avoiding any last minute criticism from his superiors.
Later, with a vending machine sandwich in one hand, and a soda in the other, he wandered out into the Preventer commons. The small, park like, area was crowded that time of day and Duo, perversely, didn't want company. He found the isolation he needed behind a flowering bush, near the drone of an AC unit, and perched on the low wall surrounding the unit.
As Duo ate his sandwich, the slight current of warm air, generated by the AC unit, blowing his bangs, he wondered whether he could convince Une to send him on yet another mission. He didn't have to think about his life when he was in charge and facing death. He was only a Preventer agent and nothing else. His lack of home life, his slowly dwindling pool of friends, who were all managing to find love and a life, and his 'to be avoided' list growing, it was becoming, more and more, preferable to face death at the hands of budding terrorists.
Une was going to re-evaluate his psyche test if he pushed it too far, Duo knew, and he had to be careful. A man who didn't ask for down time was suspect. A man who kept throwing himself into danger, could be seen as having a death wish. Duo didn't want to die, though. He only wanted to avoid his growing problems and his inadequacies in dealing with them.
"May I join you?" Milliardo Peacecraft was standing some distance away, afraid of startling Duo. His long hair was caught back at the neck, by a clip, and his dress Preventer uniform was lacking it's coat. That told Duo that this man was on 'break' and anything that happened was personal. He wasn't approaching Duo in hopes of continuing his dressing down for not following regulations.
Duo felt a blush and covered it by growling, "Pull up a brick. The wall doesn't belong to me."
"Only if I'm welcome," Milliardo replied seriously.
Duo almost said that he wasn't, but he caught himself and said instead, "Yeah, you are, I guess." There wasn't any reason to make the man an enemy by being obnoxious and Duo was tired of running and hiding. He could at least, he thought sourly, show some backbone long enough to talk to his superior.
Milliardo sat gingerly, stared skeptically at the AC unit, and then said, "I find myself with a dilemma," he began. he shifted uncomfortably on the wall and then continued, "I find myself in a situation where I've become... interested... in a man who is under my command."
Duo tensed, but joked, "After that long talk about regulations, I'm shocked. Should I report you?"
Milliardo gave him a level look, as if he wasn't sure that Duo was joking. After his last few displays of unstable behavior, Duo didn't blame him. It made his blush that much deeper. "That would be entirely your choice," Milliardo told him. "While emotions don't follow regulations, my choice to act on them does."
Duo growled in reply, "Look, I really don't get you. Why me? You could chase after anyone's tail and they'd give it up with a smile."
It was Milliardo's turn to look embarrassed. His pale skin did it in a handsome way, a light pink just under the skin that had Duo staring. "If that was the only part of you that I found interesting, then yes, there would be far easier 'tail' to acquire, agent Maxwell.You are far from an easy man to approach."
Duo frowned and then looked down at his half eaten sandwich. "We don't have anything in common. I'm years younger than you. We have completely different lives. I don't even know what some of the words, that you keep using, mean. We're like... alley cat and poodle... They don't go together."
Milliardo shifted on the rough stone, his pale hair blowing about him from the warm air coming from the AC. "You are intelligent," he said, "a fierce and competent agent, a man of honor, trustworthy, dedicated, self sacrificing, the finest pilot on Earth or in Space, an excellent leader, an expert at infiltration and munitions, a man with an abundance of humor and goodwill, and a proclaimed war hero that owns more medals than most of my leading commanders in the field, including myself.The longer that I know you, the more that I find myself drawn to you. Though I imagine that you're already seeing some one, personally, I was hoping that we could talk, that I could_"
"I'm not seeing anyone," Duo told him, cutting him off. "Not that it matters. I'm not into guys, anyway. Sorry about that."
Milliardo stared and then he replied, carefully, "I was misinformed, then. Forgive me for my presumption."
Duo shrugged and forced his hands to relax before he crushed his sandwich. "It happens. It's the braid, I think. People just assume.. you know?"
It was clear that Milliardo thought he, Duo, was full of shit, Duo could see, but he was too well bred to say so. The frown, though, on those handsome features, and the tightness to his mouth, told Duo that the man was irritated at the lie. Not a lie, he told himself. He really didn't intend to try guys again, in bed. He'd find a way to get interested in women, now... somehow... though he wasn't sure how that was going to happen when he couldn't help admiring Milliardo's big shoulders, the strong line of his neck, and the way his blue eyes caught the sun.
"I have to get back to work... commander," Duo said as he stood up, needing to get out of that situation.
Milliardo stood as well, brushing a long fingered hand along his leg to get off any dirt. "Thank you for allowing me to speak to you... Agent Maxwell," he replied. "I assure you that I won't trouble you again."
Duo suddenly found the man's stiff, formal mode of address funny. He snorted, trying not to laugh, but he couldn't help saying, "You have to learn to relax, man!"
Milliardo smiled and Duo's stomach flip flopped as it made him that much more attractive. "I don't want to offend you," he said.
"Maybe you should do a little offending?" Duo replied. "It might be good for you."
Duo wasn't sure what he, himself meant by that, certainly not for Milliardo to suddenly go toe to toe with him and look him over as if he were something precious and rare. "Your goodwill is something that matters to me... a great deal, Agent Maxwell. I want to make sure that you understand my intentions and that you we don't misunderstand each other again."
Duo looked up at Milliardo's serious expression and found it hard to crush the urge to grab hold of the man and... He stepped back, conflicted. Milliardo didn't pursue him. He allowed him his room.
"Listen...sir," Duo said as he backed away another step, "I have a lot of baggage, okay? I'm not interested in starting anything with anybody. So, no hard feelings, okay?"
"None," Milliardo replied, but there was a sigh after it.
Duo beat a hasty retreat, tossing his lunch into a trash can as he went. He felt worse than an idiot, just then. He was embarrassed and ashamed of his inability to deal with his life. He couldn't understand why it was so hard for him, when the people around him were happy, well adjusted, and liking what he saw as a painful, traumatizing experience. There had to be something wrong with him, he reasoned, or something that he was doing wrong. How could he ask a medical doctor to check him out, though, to explain to him why he found sex that painful? How could he ask a psychologist, to tell him why he had felt so helpless, so crushed and afraid, by something that he had wanted so much to begin with?
"Hey, Duo!" His fellow agent, Kim Po, was seated at one of the small tables in the commons. A pretty oriental, she had been flirting, off and on, with him for some time.
Duo waved in greeting and then made a decision. It was time that he found out whether he could switch his preference and Kim, from her dropped hints, was ready and willing.
____________________________________________
The evening had been a disaster. Duo threw back the last of a six pack of beer, drinking it dry, leaned back in his chair, and tilted his head back, eyes closed tightly. He suddenly crushed the empty can and threw it across the room. As it clattered on the cement floor, he threw himself forward, huddling in on himself, as he buried his face in his hands.
His date, Kim Po, had done everything possible to get a rise out of him and Duo had only found a liking for the shine of her black hair. The rest of her had been as uninteresting as a dry mission report. Research complete.Disappointed date sent home. Case closed. Conclusion inescapable.He was gay. He liked men.One man in particular, Duo thought, hating how his eyes were stinging. It was Milliardo Peacecraft that made him stiff, hot, and wanting with everything inside of him.
Accepting that was harder. It meant, that he had to make a decision. To get what he wanted, he had to suffer; he had to learn to take what came with being with someone that he wanted that much.He was a tough man, used to a hard life, but actively seeking that sort of pain and fear, seemed crazy.
"I don't want to," Duo said to the room in anguish. "It shouldn't have to be that way."
______________________________
TBC